Adding Fuel to the Fire
by ampersandasterisk
Summary: After his divorce, Elliot Stabler meets a fiery woman who changes the way he feels about his life and brings out the youthfulness he thought was long gone.
1. Chapter 1

An explosion of laughter between the four friends and coworkers erupted through the bar as it had done numerous times over the last three hours. The bartender watched with a smile as they clinked their glasses together for the fourth or fifth time; he overhead them say they were celebrating a victory in a court case.

The first hour of their Thursday night celebration was filled with going over the details of the case, how detectives Elliot Stabler and Fin Tutuola managed to catch the wanted perpetrator, question those close to him, and gather enough evidence to build a case against him and nail him to the crime.

The second hour was filled with the details of the trial and how ADA Casey Novak was able to get the perp to crack on the stand and admit in front of the jury that he was guilty, which was a delightful surprise, even though all the evidence would've landed him in jail anyway.

And the third and last hour was filled with celebration, showing the bartender and other bar patrons how well Captain Don Cragen led his close-knit unit to this victory.

The laughter and excitement died down as the clock hit 11:00 PM.

"Well," Casey downed the last of her drink, "I think I'm going to head out," she commented as she stood up from the barstool and put her black pea coat on.

"Yeah, I'm gonna call it a night too," Don stated, placing his half-empty glass of club soda back onto the counter of the bar as he stood up.

"Me too." Fin followed suit, getting up from his barstool and putting on his dark green coat. "I have to be back at the station bright and early to work on the Kenneth case."

Elliot watched as his coworkers and friends gathered their things to depart, but he didn't feel ready to leave.

"I think I'm gonna stay and have one more before I head home," Elliot told his coworkers.

"You gonna stay by yourself?" Casey questioned.

"Yeah," Elliot nodded.

"You sure?" Don questioned. "We don't want to leave you in a bar by yourself."

"Nah." Elliot shook his head. "You guys go; I'll be fine."

"Let the man have another celebratory drink." Fin patted Elliot on the shoulder in support. "He deserves it."

Elliot chuckled humbly as Don and Casey caved and agreed. The three friends said their goodbyes to Elliot then to each other and went their separate ways.

"Another whiskey," Elliot signaled to the bartender as he turned his barstool to the side, observing the crowd – that's when he saw her at the pool table again. She had been catching his eye all night.

Her back curved as she leaned forward holding her pool stick. She carefully placed the tip on the green felt and narrowed her eyes at the scene in front of her. With one swift movement, she jabbed the stick forward. Elliot didn't see if her ball had gone in its intended destination or not; he was too busy watching her face light up with proudness as her smile stretched from ear to ear, which he took as a sign of success.

The opposing player, a tall guy with long blond hair and a leather jacket, took his turn next, as the bartender set the glass full of alcohol in front of Elliot, which he immediately started sipping on.

He watched as the girl took a sip of her drink; he could see her green eyes from across the bar. He watched as her dark red hair fell in front of her shoulders as she leaned over the pool table to take her final turn. Her black fitted top flattered her in all the right places, showing the slightest bit of skin between her shirt and her jeans when she leaned over. He watched as she ignored the not-so-subtle advances from her pitiful blond-haired partner.

When her last ball went into the hole, she smiled proudly at her victory.

"Anyone else wanna play?" She asked, as she spun around, looking for another pool partner.

"I'll give it a shot," Elliot spoke up, surprising himself. _Liquid courage_, he thought to himself as he downed the last of the smooth amber liquor from his glass then stood up from his barstool and walked over to the redhead.

She eyed him curiously then said, "You break."

Elliot nodded in agreement then gathered the necessary equipment to set up the next game.

He took his first shot without hesitation, not really caring if he ultimately won or lost the game, then looked up at the girl from across the pool table.

"Solids," he called.

"I'll be stripes then," she responded as she leaned across the table and lined up her shot. "What's your name?"

"Elliot," he answered. "Stabler."

"Elliot Stabler," she repeated. "I like it."

She shot the white ball across the table and nailed another ball, sending it directly into the nearest hole. "I'm Johanna. Rowan."

"Nice to meet you, Johanna Rowan."

While Elliot went to take his next turn, Johanna shouted to the bartender, "Can we get a couple Manhattans?"

Elliot shot the pool stick then glanced up at the girl, appreciating her taste in alcoholic beverages.

"Is that okay?" She questioned, noting his reaction.

"A Manhattan? Fine with me," Elliot responded as he backed away from the pool table.

He tried to play it cool as the game continued, but he knew if he kept downing drinks, he would lose his liquid courage and it would turn into liquid embarrassment, so he sipped slowly on the whiskey cocktail when the bartender brought them over.

"Come here often?" Johanna asked the ever-so-cliché question as she took her next turn.

"Sometimes," Elliot answered, leaning against the wall. "You?"

"First time," she responded truthfully. "I like the atmosphere. It's quaint, everyone's friendly like they're all regular customers."

"Well of course they're going to be friendly to you," he laughed, moving to the pool table to take his shot.

She raised her eyebrows and shrugged in a 'fine with me' manner.

After some more brief small talk and another round of Manhattans, their pool game ended. Johanna had won (though Elliot wasn't trying very hard to beat her), and instead of turning around to find a new partner to beat, she turned back to Elliot.

"Rematch?" She questioned.

Her inquiry took him by surprise. He was expecting her to move on to the next pitiful single guy willing to play a game with her.

"You don't want to try to whip some other guy's sorry ass?" Elliot joked.

"Nah," she smirked at him. "I like your sorry ass."

Elliot swallowed hard as she set up for the next game. _Pull it together, Stabler_, he mentally scolded himself. He didn't know how to react: Should he flirt with her? It's not like he even remembered how to flirt. Should he just call it a night? Surely there was some other guy in this bar she would rather play pool with.

He downed the rest of his Manhattan, needing more liquid courage, and told himself to relax – after all, it was just a pool game with some meaningless flirting. He gave himself permission to go with the flow and not be uptight about the situation.

"So what's your story, Stabler?" Johanna questioned as she took the first shot. The balls scattered across the felt table then she said, "Stripes again."

"Solids," Elliot responded. "And what do you mean 'what's my story'?"

She watched as Elliot took his turn. "I saw you and your friends celebrating earlier. What's your story?"

"Ah," he replied. "I'm a cop, a detective actually. We closed a pretty big case this afternoon and won an important trial."

"Wow," she smiled. "Impressive. Congratulations."

"Thanks," Elliot couldn't help but smile back at her as he felt the alcohol doing its job and relaxing him. "So what's your story? This what you do for fun?"

"What? Hang out in bars by myself and kick everyone's ass at pool?" She laughed. "Not quite." She leaned across the pool table and took her turn. "I was stood up, actually."

"No way," Elliot retorted. He really did not believe her. No way someone stood up a gorgeous girl like her.

"Yep," Johanna stated, recalling a coworker trying to set her up with a friend despite her protest. "So I decided to just stay and play pool. I mean, I was all dressed up with nowhere else to go. Might as well." It wasn't something she did frequently, but she was enjoying the night so far.

"I know it probably doesn't matter coming from a stranger, but I'm sorry that you were stood up tonight," Elliot commented.

"Don't be," Johanna smiled. "I'm glad he stood me up. I probably wouldn't be having this much fun if he had shown up."

She watched as Elliot took his turn. His face was very stern and serious, though his smile was gentle and genuine. His blue button up shirt was still tucked in but the first button was undone, allowing his white undershirt to be seen, and the sleeves of his shirt were rolled up. He looked professional and mature, but still relaxed.

There was something about Elliot Stabler that made her curious. He wasn't throwing himself at her pathetically like some of the other guys in the bar, but she could tell he was interested. He was good looking, no doubt, and he was so masculine and mysterious; she was fairly certain she hadn't ever known a guy like him. And she wanted to get to know him better.

"You win," Johanna smiled when Elliot skillfully sunk his last ball into the nearest hole, winning their second game.

"Now we're tied," he stated.

"So," Johanna approached Elliot. "I should probably get going, it's getting late, but...let's break the tie next week. Same place, same time?"

Elliot smiled, feeling a lot more relaxed and comfortable than he did a couple hours earlier. "Sure; same time, same place."

* * *

"Pumpernickel."

"Persnickety."

"Discombobulate."

Elliot and Johanna took turns rattling off their favorite 'funny sounding' words as they sat on the sidewalk outside the bar with their backs against the bricks.

"Flabbergasted."

"Tittle."

Johanna giggled wildly. "What the hell does tittle mean?"

Elliot chuckled then explained, "It's the little dot above a lowercase 'i' – you didn't know that?" He glanced at her.

Still laughing, she shook her head. "No! You win that one."

The two grew comfortably quiet as their laughter died down.

Elliot recalled how he felt a few hours earlier; how when he walked from the precinct to the bar, he wondered if Johanna was actually going to meet him there as she had suggested the week before. If she had remembered or if she even cared. For all he knew, she told every guy she played pool with last Thursday night to meet her at the bar again.

_When he escaped from the cool early-September air into the warmth of the bar, his eyes immediately scanned the room for the girl. He felt a little foolish when he didn't see her waiting for him anywhere, he should've known better, but he decided to sit at the bar for a drink anyway._

_"What can I get you, detective?" The same bartender from last week questioned, remembering the customer who was celebrating his victorious court case._

_"Uh," Elliot thought for a moment then answered. "A Manhattan." He took another look around the bar and eyed a few people when they walked in, but none of them were the redhead from the week before._

_He had given very little thought to dating after his untimely separation and divorce, drowning himself in work to cope like he always had, but this was the first time he actually actively pursued another woman since his wife. Dating felt foreign to him. It was an uneasy feeling, so he wondered if maybe it wasn't such a good idea just yet. _

_"I bet you thought I wasn't going to show up, huh?" The gorgeous redhead joked as she sat down next to Elliot._

_Her sudden presence made the former uneasy feeling dissipate, replacing it with delight._

_"I wasn't sure for a while," he chuckled._

_Truth be told, she almost didn't show up. She was unsure of how she wanted the night to go, if it meant anything at all, but she was still so curious about him, she couldn't stop herself from going._

_After a few rounds of Manhattans and pool, they made their way outside to say their goodbyes, but ended up just continuing their small talk on the sidewalk. Before they knew it, they were sitting down on the dirty concrete, laughing about funny words and trying to say them backwards._

Elliot saw a side of himself that night that he hadn't seen in years. Years of being a marine, a cop, a husband, and a father had turned him into a very serious and straight-laced man. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing, but he had forgotten what it was like to let loose and have fun – to simply enjoy being alive. In just one night, Johanna had managed to remind him what it was like to be carefree and live in the moment. Never in a million years would he have imagined himself sitting on the filthy New York City concrete, laughing about ridiculous words with a gorgeous redhead he barely knew.

Though he knew the feelings were only temporary, he relished in them. He could've attributed it to the liquor, it did work wonders on one's morals and judgments, but in the past, drinking excessively only proved to make him angry and depressed.

Unbeknownst to Elliot, Johanna had felt the very same way not too long ago. She had never been tied down to a spouse or children like he had, but traumatic childhood experiences forced her to grow up quickly and lose a chunk of her youth. In the past few years, she had come so far in her attempts to simply enjoy life, but she still held back and restricted herself at times.

Despite her self-inflicted limitations, she was unusually curious about Elliot. It felt as if he, too, brought out a side of her that she assumed was long gone.

"Let's make this a weekly thing, yeah?" Johanna suggested, glancing over at him.

"Yeah," Elliot agreed.

Though neither of them were very sure about what would come of the arrangement, they were eager to continue chasing the freedom they felt that night.


	2. Chapter 2

"Stabler!" Johanna called when she saw Elliot searching the crowded bar for her.

He smiled when he saw the redhead sitting at the bar, holding an empty seat for him with a Manhattan ready for him to drink.

"Hey you," Elliot greeted his friend as he took his seat next to her and picked up his drink.

"The pool table has been occupied for a while, I haven't had a chance to call dibs on it," she informed him.

"No problem," he nodded. "I need a drink first anyway."

"Long day?" She questioned as she watched him take big gulps of his liquor.

He nodded as he swallowed the last of his drink. He thought about the crime scene he had witnessed earlier. The family that was found raped and beaten to death. The two kids who were the same age as Elliot's youngest children.

"Did I tell you I have four kids?" He asked her as he motioned for the bartender to bring him another drink.

Johanna shook her head. This was the fourth time they had their weekly meet-up for pool, but she realized there was a lot about Elliot that she didn't know. Sure, they talked when they played pool and drank at the bar, but it was small talk, they didn't say much about their personal lives or feelings. Elliot spoke about work, but only briefly, mentioning he was a sex crimes detective. They didn't talk about family, work, or anything like that.

"I have three girls and one boy," he told her.

She wasn't sure what to say. This was the first time they were sharing things about their lives, the first time they were being serious instead of relaxing and laughing. She looked at his face; he looked tired and worn out. She figured his job was exhausting and very demanding, but she hadn't seen him look this way yet.

"If they knew I thought about my own kids every time I saw a murdered child, they'd force me to go to psych counseling until the day I died," Elliot confessed, staring straight ahead. "We're supposed to separate work life and family life. Sometimes I can't."

Again, Johanna didn't say anything. She just listened. She wasn't sure if Elliot wanted her to say anything or if he just needed to get the thoughts off his chest.

The bartender placed another drink in front of Elliot, which he immediately brought to his lips and sipped.

"I love my job, but it's tough, you know?" Elliot looked at Johanna for a moment. "Every day I'm reminded of all the evil people in the world and I witness the shitty things that can happen, and it reminds me that I can't protect my kids from everything. And that kills me."

Despite their friendship being very platonic so far, only innocent billiards games and drinks, Johanna was definitely attracted to Elliot's rough and tough exterior. But seeing him act so human – she found him even more attractive than before.

"Sorry," he laughed nervously, taking another sip of his drink.

"Don't be," Johanna insisted, finally taking a sip of her own drink.

"Do you have kids?" Elliot asked her.

"No..." she responded, trailing off, insinuating there was more to her answer. She appeared lost in thought for a moment until she cleared her throat and added, "But I work with kids, so sometimes I feel like I do."

"What do you do?" Elliot wondered, realizing he didn't even know what the woman did for a living.

"I do therapy with kids with autism," she told him.

"What kind of therapy?" He inquired.

"It's called ABA therapy – applied behavior analysis – but the actual therapy depends on the child," she responded. "Some are severely delayed, others aren't, so some need speech, some need physical therapy, some need occupational therapy, some have behavior problems. I just get them up to speed with where they need to be for their age level. I fill in the gaps of whatever they're lacking."

Elliot was impressed. For whatever reason, he expected her to have a job in an office setting, not dealing with people, especially not dealing with children. It added a little more depth to her, and he liked that.

"Do you like it?" He wondered.

"I love it," she answered honestly. "It can be difficult sometimes, a few of my clients have extreme behavior problems, but I wouldn't trade it for the world."

He understood that. He understood the love and passion she had for her career; he shared the love and passion for his own career. He understood that her job could be difficult but that she loved even the challenging aspects of it.

"Hey, look, the pool table is free," Johanna announced as she stood up from her barstool. "Ready to play?"

Elliot nodded and followed the redhead to the pool table, where he expected the rest of the night to continue as it had for the last few weeks, but it didn't. They continued to share details about their lives that they had previously kept to themselves.

"Tell me more about yourself," Elliot requested as they chalked the tips of their pool sticks. "I just realized I don't know too much about your life."

"Hmm, you first," Johanna challenged as she stalled, unsure of what to share about her life.

"Okay," Elliot agreed with a smile as he prepped the table for their game. "Let's see...I'm 35, recently divorced. I told you I have four kids; they're great. I've got a thirteen-year-old daughter, an eleven-year-old daughter, and three-year-old twins, a boy and a girl. I see them on weekends if I'm not working. I told you I was a cop, but before that, I was a Marine. I served in the Gulf War."

"Well, that tells me about the past, but tell me about now," she insisted as they began their game.

"Now," Elliot paused for a moment as he thought. "Now, I work a lot, spend time with my kids when I can, and play pool with you, I guess." He was slightly embarrassed at the realization of how lackluster his life was. He knew he didn't lead an exciting life, though his job was often adventurous, but saying it out loud made him a little unhappy.

"Sounds like a pretty good life," Johanna commented with a hint a humor. "A job you love, great kids, and having fun with me!"

Hearing her describe his life like that swayed his opinion a little. She was right; it was a pretty good life for the most part.

"It is a good life," he agreed. "Okay, your turn. Past and now."

"Hmm, okay," she began. "I'm 28. I grew up upstate. I just finished grad school a few months ago, got my masters degree. I've never been married. I told you about my job, but I am currently preparing to take a certification exam in a few weeks, so I can do therapy independently instead of under a supervisor. And like you, I work a lot, I study a lot for my exam, and I play pool with you!"

"Sounds like you've got a pretty good life too," Elliot concluded, admiring her similar lifestyle and dedication.

"What it sounds like to me is that playing pool is basically the only fun thing that either of us do," Johanna commented as she leaned across the pool table to line up her shot.

"I'm surprised I even do this much for fun," Elliot responded, watching her. "It's been a long time since I did anything fun for myself."

"That's what you get for being a workaholic," she teased as she smacked the white ball into a green striped ball. "But we'll work on that having fun thing."

Elliot smiled in response as he took his turn. Never in a million years did he think he would be spending Thursday nights playing pool with a younger, gorgeous redhead for fun.


	3. Chapter 3

Elliot knocked on the door in front of him and his partner, Olivia Benson. "NYPD, open up!" When no one responded, Elliot knocked a couple more times. After a few seconds of no answer, he sighed, and he and Olivia went back down the stoop and onto the sidewalk.

"They're never home when you need them to be, are they?" Olivia retorted, shaking her head. "I'm gonna give a call to Casey and tell her to start preparing a search warrant to bring to us. We're going to sit here until they come home."

"Might be a long night," Elliot stated leaning back against the car they drove to the house.

"It's already 7PM, they can't be gone for too much longer," Olivia commented as she walked away to speak to Casey on her cell phone.

The two partners were out on a job, questioning people related to one of their hotter open cases, and trying to gather evidence – the evidence they believe is behind the locked door in front of them.

"Novak is working on the search warrant and she said she'd bring it to us as soon as the judge grants it," Olivia informed her partner when she walked back toward him.

"I have a feeling this is going to take all night," Elliot sighed as he sat back in the car in the driver's seat to get out of the chilly late-October air.

"It might," she responded as she sat in the passenger seat.

"I'm gonna call Johanna and tell her I might be a little late tonight," he said as he pulled out his cell phone to dial her number.

"You have her number now?" Olivia questioned with a raised eyebrow.

"For situations like this," Elliot answered matter-of-factly. "So she's not waiting at the bar by herself all night if I'm not coming."

His partner just smiled cheekily at him.

"What?" He dialed the number of the beautiful redhead, but didn't call just yet.

"Nothing," Olivia shrugged still smirking.

"Just say it, Liv."

"It's nothing," she shrugged again. "You two have been meeting up weekly to play pool for over a month now. You have her number; you call her to keep her updated. And I see your subtle smile when she sends you texts."

"And?" Elliot pushed.

"And I think you like her, whether you want to admit it or not," she answered. "I think it's a good thing."

"Come on, Liv. It's not like that," he protested.

"It doesn't have to be, El. But it also _can_ be."

His partner was right. It could be like _that_. But it just wasn't.

Every Thursday night for the past seven weeks, he and Johanna have been meeting up at the bar down the block from the precinct to play pool, have a few drinks, etc. One night after Elliot arrived to the bar an hour late, they decided to exchange numbers so they could keep in touch in case he had to work late. On occasion, they'll send each other a funny text or two about something that they had joked about during one of their pool games.

But that was it. There was flirting, but nothing more. There wasn't any touching, any kissing, anything to indicate they were more than just friends. He knew Olivia was right, that it could be something more, but he was content with what it currently was.

"We're just hanging out, enjoying each other's company," he informed her. "Nothing more than that. It's harmless."

Olivia knew her partner like the back of her hand. Hell, she knew him better than that. She could tell this Johanna girl made him happy, but she knew he was hesitant to rush into anything after his divorce. She understood where he was coming from, she battled her own demons when it came to relationships, but she wanted to shake him for being so stubborn.

"You're allowed to be happy, you know," Olivia reminded him. "You're allowed to do things that make you happy. You deserve that."

"I am happy," he reassured her. "I'm just going with the flow."

* * *

Elliot leaned against the cold brick wall with his hands in his pockets as he waited for Johanna outside the bar that night. He had walked straight to the bar after a long day at work, still in his work clothes, as he often did. That night, he wore a white button down shirt, tucked in, of course, with his sleeves rolled up, a casual black tie, and black slacks.

He was looking down and didn't notice when Johanna turned the corner, but her eyes immediately fell on him. She slowed her pace to a stop. The sight of him standing there, unaware of her presence, his warm breath visible as fog in the cold air – it made her heart flutter. She felt funny. But a good funny.

Elliot looked up and saw her, noticing the subtle grin on her face, which made him smile. She continued walking toward him, her boots clacking against the concrete beneath her. She was wearing black denim jeans and a fitted baby blue button up top under a black leather jacket.

"Hey, good looking," Johanna greeted when she approached him.

He raised his eyebrows with a flattered smile then responded, "Right back atcha."

She walked into the bar with Elliot close behind.

"So, you gonna tell me what's got you in such a good mood?" He wondered.

"What do you mean?" She asked as they sat down in two empty barstools.

"You can't stop smiling," he pointed out.

"Is that a bad thing?"

"Not at all," he laughed. "I love that you're so happy. You're just a little more smiley than usual. I just wanted to know why."

"I will tell you why," she started. "If you buy me a drink." They typically paid for their own drinks or take turns paying for each other's, but for the sake of flirting, she thought she'd ask.

"Deal," he agreed, not fazed by her request.

They ordered their usual two Manhattans, a cocktail Elliot rarely drank before meeting Johanna – but now, it was the only thing he drank.

"So?" He pushed.

"I just had a really great day at work," Johanna shared.

"Well tell me about it," he insisted. He genuinely wanted to hear about her day. He wasn't just saying that to be polite or kiss her ass. He wanted to know what made her tick, why she was in such a good mood. He wanted to know what put a smile on her face.

"I had a breakthrough with one of my tougher, more challenging clients this afternoon," she explained.

"Keep going," he pushed. "I wanna know what happened."

"You really wanna know?" She asked, baffled that anyone wanted to listen to her ramble about her job.

"Yeah," he laughed, unsure of why she wouldn't divulge her stories. "How'd you manage to get this breakthrough?"

"Well, okay...I've been working with this little boy for a few weeks now. He's 4, nonverbal, he can only utter a few simple sounds, and has extreme behavior problems. Which, I mean, makes sense considering he can't communicate, therefore gets frustrated and lashes out," she explained.

Elliot nodded in agreement. He couldn't fathom any of his children being unable to communicate their wants and needs, and he couldn't imagine how frustrating that would be, for both child and parents.

"So in order to establish SOME form of communication, I've been working on teaching him simple sign language, like cookie, drink, toy, and whatnot, so he can request things," she continued.

"Wait you know sign language?" He asked. This girl seemed to always surprise him in the best ways.

"Yeah," she answered. "But our sessions have been difficult because he gets frustrated very easily and lashes out at me. He hits and pinches and screams. He doesn't pay attention and hasn't been progressing at all, and I was really starting to wonder if he ever would. I wondered if maybe it was something I was doing wrong."

Elliot adored the way her face lit up when she spoke about her job. It was like she could talk about it all day. The passion in her voice, the light in her eyes. Elliot understood that look, he shared the same passion and light for his own job, though it seemed to weaken and diminish over the years.

"And this morning, while he was lashing out and throwing a fit, he started signing 'drink' on his own, which he hadn't done before. I gave him his drink, he calmed down, and next thing I know, he was mastering three other signs!" She proclaimed with a smile across her face.

"Wow, Johanna, that's..." Elliot was at a loss for words over this incredible deed that this incredible woman accomplished. "That's...great, that's really awesome. You're something, you know that?"

"Oh yeah?" She smirked.

"You're changing that little boy's life, and that's so awesome, I can't even comprehend it." He was being serious. He couldn't even comprehend the great things she was doing for this little boy.

"It's just as rewarding for me as it is for him," she stated. "These kids teach me patience, humility, acceptance, and to appreciate good things, no matter how insignificant."

Elliot could've kissed her right then and there. The way she was talking, it was the sexiest thing he's heard in a long time. She was so selfless, he felt tricked. Who was this martyr of a woman? How did he go 35 years of his life without knowing her? His life experiences ultimately made him doubt that there were genuinely good people left in the world. But here she was, living proof that people like that still exist.

"He mellowed out a lot too. Since he was able to communicate a few things he wanted, he wasn't so frustrated and didn't have to lash out so much. When his mom walked in the door, he signed 'mama'." She told him.

"I bet she loved that," he replied, imagining how incredible of a moment that must've been for his mother.

"She cried," Johanna said with a nod.

"You should be really proud of yourself," he said. "I'm so impressed and so proud to know you. You're changing the world."

The words echoed in Johanna's head for a moment. She didn't feel like she was changing the world. She knew she was changing this little boy's life, but the world? She realized that she didn't have to agree, she didn't have to believe she was changing the world, but if Elliot did, if he sees it as changing the world, then she appreciated it. She appreciated him thinking so highly of her, being so impressed by her abilities, and listening to every word she spoke about her job.

She loved her job. She loved talking about her job. She could go on for days without wanting to change the subject; the children she worked with were her life. She was proud of herself and the work she'd done. She was proud of the little lives she had impacted and improved.

And Elliot knew she was well on her way to impacting and improving his life as well.


	4. Chapter 4

The eighth consecutive week that Johanna and Elliot met up to play pool marked two months since they had met.

The night began with a drink at the bar, making conversation with each other and with Tommy, the bartender they had gotten to know well over their weekly visits. The bar was especially crowded that night due to an out-of-town college lacrosse team and their fans celebrating a win against a local college team. Since college sports were not especially competitive in the area, the local college team and all of their fans invaded the bar as well, drinking with the out-of-town team.

"Everything okay?" Elliot questioned when he noticed Johanna drinking more rapidly than usual.

"I'm sorry, I'm a little nervous," she admitted as they stood facing each other near the end of the bar since all the barstools were preoccupied.

"What's wrong?" Elliot wondered.

Johanna shook her head as she took another large sip of her drink then replied, "I'm taking that test on Wednesday to become a certified ABA therapist."

"Why are you nervous?" he asked. "You're going to do fine."

She shook her head again; "I bombed the practice test this afternoon!"

"Don't stress," Elliot put his hand on her arm and gave her a gentle comforting squeeze, which sent flutters through both of their stomachs. "The more relaxed you are, the better you'll do."

"You're right," she agreed as Elliot dropped his hand from her arm. "I just want to do well on it. Plus, if I don't pass it this time, I can't take it again for another six months."

"Then you'll have six more months to prepare for it," Elliot encouraged. "It won't be the end of the world."

She nodded reluctantly in agreement.

"I know you're good at your job," Elliot reassured her. He knew she wasn't worried about working on her own or making more money. She viewed the test as an evaluation of how well she does her job. "You know you're good at your job too."

She looked up at him and into his sympathetic grey/green eyes. He stared back into her dark green ones.

The connection they were making was abruptly interrupted when a rowdy lacrosse player bumped into Johanna, sending her into Elliot's rigid body. Instinctively, he wrapped his arm around her waist to steady her and used his other hand to shove the lacrosse player away from her.

"Watch it!" Elliot yelled sternly.

Oblivious as to what just happened, the lacrosse player simply muttered, "Oh, sorry," over his shoulder.

"You okay?" Elliot asked Johanna with his arm still around her.

"Yeah," she laughed a little – the lacrosse player hadn't hurt her in the slightest, but she appreciated his concern and was simply flattered at Elliot's protective reaction. She reminded herself that he _is_ a cop and probably has that reaction for everyone.

Elliot's phone buzzed in his pocket, causing him to remove his arm from her waist and retrieve it. He looked at the name that flashed on his screen. It was Olivia.

"I have to take this, sorry," he apologized as he walked to the hallway at the back of the bar where it was quieter.

Johanna understood and turned back to the bar to order another round of drinks.

"Can I, uh, buy you a drink?" Another one of the lacrosse players questioned as he walked up to the redhead.

Her ego pulsated a little at the advance from the college kid, who was probably at least five years younger than she was.

"I'm okay, thank you," she politely declined.

"Just one?" He pushed. "I can tell you're not with that guy, so don't give me that excuse."

From the hallway, Elliot could see the exchange at the bar between Johanna and the lacrosse player. Olivia was going on and on about a case they were working on, but he drifted his attention from his partner on the phone to the scene at the bar. Though it didn't seem like the college kid was getting anywhere with her, Elliot felt a pang of jealousy and protectiveness. He wanted the kid to stop talking to her. Being the hotheaded cop that he is, his reactions are often extreme, so he tried to talk himself down – Johanna could talk to anyone she wanted to, and he certainly had no right to get in the way.

He grimaced at the realization that he had a crush on her.

"El? Are you listening?" Olivia questioned through the phone.

"Yeah, sorry, Liv. It's loud in here, I'll call you back later if you're gonna be awake." Elliot couldn't take his eyes off Johanna and the lacrosse player, who were still talking.

"Yeah, I'll be up, call me back."

Without saying goodbye, Elliot hung up the phone and bee-lined back to the bar.

"The pool table's open," he said interrupted whatever the college kid was saying. "Wanna play?"

She smiled and nodded. Elliot placed his hand on her back to guide her around the bar, dominantly staring down the lacrosse player.

* * *

They were eight drinks and four pool games in when the bartender announced, "Last call!"

"It's 2 already?" Elliot questioned.

"Wow," Johanna giggled, feeling drunker than she had been in a while. "We never shut the place down."

"We've been here a while," he admitted as he put on his jacket. "I'm gonna go close my tab."

"I'll meet you outside," she responded as she put on her coat. "I need some fresh air."

After Elliot paid for their drinks, he walked outside and found Johanna leaning against the side of the building, her breath visible in the cold air. He couldn't help but notice how _cute_ she looked as her head rested against the brick wall. She was a gorgeous girl, no doubt about that, but there was a certain innocence he saw as she rested sleepily against the building. He thought it was cute. She smiled gently at him when she noticed he was looking at her. He couldn't help but smile back, remembering the schoolboy crush he had on her.

Johanna lifted her head and stood up straight as Elliot walked over to her. He thought about what Olivia had said to him a few weeks prior: _"You're allowed to do things that make you happy."_

With those words of reassurance and the inebriation that gave him courage, he pressed his lips against Johanna's firmly, bringing his hand up to rest on the side of her face. He kissed her deeply as she rested her own hand on his waist. Both of their minds were elated, not filled with worrisome qualms about the sudden kiss.

When they parted, Elliot opened his eyes to evaluate the look on Johanna's face, but her eyes were still closed as she continued to revel in the kiss. Without making a conscious decision to do so, Elliot leaned in and kissed her again, still holding her face. He felt reassured of his impulsiveness when her hand on his waist pulled him closer, closing the gap between their bodies. He placed his free hand on her back, holding her close to him.

Who knows how long they would've stayed like that if Elliot's cell phone hadn't begun to furiously ring. He wanted to ignore it so desperately, but any phone call he received at 2AM was important and needed to be answered.

Their lips parted again, but her hands stayed put on his waist and their bodies remained close as he brought his phone to his ear. "Hello?" He answered with a heavy sigh, looking down at Johanna's tired eyes.

"Elliot, it's Cragen," Elliot's boss and captain replied. "We need you to come in, it's important."

Elliot was protesting on the inside, but said, "I'll be right there." He hung up and sighed. "It's work. I'm sorry. I have to go."

She smiled at him, not wanting to say too much and ruin the moment any more. She backed away from his grip and nodded then replied, "See you next week."

He watched as she turned around and walked away from him. He could still feel her warm lips against his, which caused a smile to tug at his lips. He was almost a little thankful that he was called into work so suddenly, because he really wasn't sure what was going to happen from there.

But the night ended perfectly, so he wasn't going to think another thought about it.


	5. Chapter 5

The atmosphere of the special victims unit was surprisingly calm the following Wednesday morning. No new extreme cases had come in overnight, so Elliot and Olivia decided to spend the day catching up on paperwork while things were calm.

Elliot glanced up from his file to the clock on the wall behind Olivia to check the time. Something he had been doing all morning.

"What's going on?" Olivia asked, not looking up from her file, still writing.

"What?" Elliot looked up again, but this time he was looking at his partner.

"You check the clock every ten minutes. I know it's a slow morning, but you can't be that antsy," she commented as she looked up at him.

"Am I distracting you?" He retorted, feeling a little unnerved that his partner called him out.

"No, but every time you pick your head up, I think you're going to say something to me, so I notice it," she shot back.

"I'm just not used to time going by this slowly," he sighed, easing up. That wasn't a lie. He definitely was not used to spending workdays at his desk. Time seemed to move much slower.

"Yeah," Olivia relented as she went back to writing in her file, but she wasn't convinced. She wondered if it had to do with the girl Elliot's been somewhat seeing. Or maybe something happened with his ex-wife or one of his kids. She knew he would tell her eventually, and if he hadn't told her already, it probably wasn't a big deal.

When the clock hit 11:30, Elliot stood up from his desk. "I'm going to get some coffee, you want any?"

"I'm good, thanks," Olivia replied.

Elliot made his way into the break room and shut the door softly behind him then pulled out his cell phone. He took a deep breath and dialed a familiar number.

"Hello?"

Elliot smiled when he heard the sweet voice on the other end of the phone.

"Hey, you," he said softly.

"Hey, Stabler," Johanna replied as she smiled hearing his voice as well.

"I know you're on your way to take your test, and I just wanted to wish you good luck," he told her genuinely. "You don't need luck, I know you're going to do great, but I...I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you."

Johanna stopped walking and nearly melted into the sidewalk. She hadn't heard from him since they parted ways on the sidewalk after sharing those romantic kisses outside the bar. She didn't really expect to hear from him or anything, but he was on her mind a lot lately after their last rendezvous.

"Thank you," she responded. "I really appreciate that. That was...really sweet."

"Don't stress too hard, okay?" He reminded her.

"Okay."

"Bye," Elliot sighed.

"Bye, Stabler."

She was dazed for a moment after she hung up the phone. She remained still on the sidewalk as the rest of the world moved on, walking around her. She couldn't remember the last time someone was so genuinely nice to her for essentially no reason.

She smiled and continued walking, giddy at the thought of Elliot sitting at his desk thinking about her.

Elliot returned to his desk feeling much less fidgety than before. He hadn't talked to Johanna since he kissed her so impulsively last week, so he had been worried about their next Thursday night meeting being awkward, but after that phone call, he was no longer concerned.

"Where's your coffee?" Olivia questioned when she noticed he returned empty handed.

"Oh," Elliot totally forgot about the coffee. "I got distracted."

He wasn't sure how he was going to survive the next 34 hours until he saw Johanna again. He thought that if things go as planned, he might invite her to his house after. The sheer thought of it made his groin twitch. He mentally scolded himself for being such a male, but it had been so long since he had been intimate with anyone, he couldn't help it.

_Am I just thinking with my dick?_

He wasn't sure if he would be able to tell the difference between wanting a relationship with Johanna and simply wanting a one-night stand with her. It had been so long since he had been in either of those situations, a lustful one-night stand versus the early stages of a potential relationship. He knew he enjoyed her companionship, and he surely didn't spend the last two months spending time with her to just so he could sleep with her and never speak to her again – he valued her friendship so much more than that. But he wasn't sure if he was ready to attempt dating again.

Hell, he wasn't even sure if she was interested in him like that. Sure she had been flirty before, and she definitely deepened their kisses last week, but he had no idea what was going through her head.

In order to finish his paperwork and get through the day, he decided he wouldn't worry about it until he saw her the following night and he shoved his worrisome thoughts to the back of his mind.

* * *

The atmosphere in the bar was also different that Thursday night. Elliot entered the bar wearing a tight fitting long sleeve cotton shirt, untucked, and jeans. He was much more casual and comfortable than usual. Tommy, the bartender, saw his regular customer enter his bar and he motioned to the back of the room, where the redhead was waiting.

Johanna was sitting at a round booth in the back of the bar, away from the crowd. She was wearing a green dress, fairly low cut, with black tights covering her legs. She wore a blue jean jacket to the bar but shed the extra article of clothing once she sat down.

She waved to Elliot, signaling for him to join her, where she had a drink waiting for him.

He slid into the booth next to her and without missing a beat, he leaned into her ear and muttered, "You look incredible tonight."

The compliment made her stomach flutter, though she tried to keep her cool. "You don't look too bad yourself," she commented. "I like the casual look on you."

"How was your test?" Elliot wondered as he picked up his glass to begin sipping on his drink. He needed his liquid courage more than ever tonight.

"It was okay," she shrugged. "Not perfect, but hopefully I did good enough."

"When will you get the results?" He questioned.

"Few weeks," she responded, sipping her own drink.

"To good results in a few weeks," he toasted, lifting his glass in the air.

"To good results," she agreed, clinking her glass against his.

They downed the rest of their drinks together, both needing the alcohol to relax their excited minds.

"Tommy!" Elliot called to the bartender with a smile. When he looked over, Elliot continued, "Two more please!"

"You're in an awfully good mood tonight," Johanna noticed.

"I am," he agreed, still smiling.

Eight drinks and two hours later, Elliot and Johanna were hysterically laughing in their secluded booth.

"So then," Elliot laughed. "So then I was standing like this," he held his hands out as if he was holding a gun, "and I yell, 'Hands up, you son of a bitch!' The guy turns around, and it's my boss!"

Johanna erupted into another fit of laughter. "Your first day on the job and you pull a gun on your boss?!"

He nodded his head in response, laughing at his story about his first day as a cop. "They took my gun away from me for a week!"

Another fit of giggles escaped her mouth. Elliot took a sip of his drink, watching the redhead laugh. He loved her laugh. He loved making her laugh.

Her laughter turned into a gasp quickly as her eyes widened and her mouth opened.

"What?!" Elliot asked, concerned by her sudden change in emotion.

"I LOVE this song!" Johanna exclaimed. "John Mayer!"

He hadn't even noticed the music in the background all night. He was so focused on her, it seemed like nothing else could catch his attention. Silently thanking the Manhattan for giving him the bravery to execute his next move, Elliot grabbed her hand. "Dance with me."

Without hesitation, Johanna nodded and followed him out the booth. They didn't retreat to the area in the front of the bar where others were dancing. Instead, they stayed in the back, in their own little world. Elliot placed a hand on her hip, and she placed her hand on his shoulder. His free hand grabbed her free hand, and they swayed to the music.

"Jeez," Johanna sighed as she gazed up into Elliot's grey green eyes.

"What?" He wondered, staring down at her.

"You're so good looking," she admitted freely, a sign of pure drunkenness.

Elliot felt his stomach flop excitedly. He couldn't respond. She literally made him speechless.

"I'm serious," she continued. "You're like...the sexiest guy I've ever met."

His heart was racing. "You're killing me," he replied softly with a smile.

She smirked and replied, "No, _you're_ the one killing _me_."

He couldn't contain it anymore. He stopped dancing and kissed her. He dropped her hand and brought his to the side of her face, reminiscent of their last kiss. His tongue skimmed her bottom lip softly and she opened her mouth, meeting his tongue with her own.

Their kiss was driven so powerfully by lust, want, passion, and alcohol. Elliot pulled out of the kiss first, but remained close to her face. He planted a few small kisses on her lips.

"Come home with me," he whispered with his lips still on hers. She smashed her lips against his and wrapped her arms around his neck, which he took as a 'yes'. In return, he snaked his arms around her waist, resting them in the small of her back, holding her close to him.

* * *

They busted through Elliot's front door, attached at the lips. Johanna shed her jean jacket immediately and kicked off her shoes. Leaning forward to maintain the kiss, Elliot followed suit and kicked off his own shoes. His mouth flew to her neck as he stood up straight, kissing and sucking her sensitive skin, which made her knees weak. His hands flew to her hips, pulling her lower half into his hips as she tilted her head to the side, allowing him better access to her neck.

A moan escaped Johanna's lips as her fingers tugged on the button on Elliot's jeans. His dick throbbed beneath the denim fabric.

As if on cue, Elliot's cell phone began to ring.

"Son of a bitch," he groaned as he broke away from her neck. "Not again." He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. It was Cragen calling.

He looked at the gorgeous redhead in front of him. "I'll get out of it, give me a second. Have a seat on the couch."

Feeling lightheaded from the intensity of the kiss or maybe the amount of alcohol she consumed, Johanna complied and sat on the couch a few feet behind her.

Furiously, Elliot stepped outside his front door to answer the phone call. "Hello?"

"Elliot, can you come in?" Don asked.

"Now?" He wondered.

"If you can," Don answered.

"Uh, I'm a little busy," Elliot cleared his throat as he adjusted himself more comfortably in his jeans. "Is it urgent that I come in now?"

"I suppose not," Don responded. Lately, Elliot jumped at any chance to go into work and keep himself busy, so the captain assumed he actually was busy if he wasn't hurrying to the station. "Just come in as soon as you can."

"Will do, Cap," Elliot responded and ended the phone call. He took a deep breath to regain his composure and went back inside his home. "Sorry about th-" he cut himself off mid sentence when he saw Johanna asleep on his couch. "Son of a..."

He scratched the back of his head, hoping she actually fell asleep and didn't suddenly change her mind about sleeping with him.

Regardless, Elliot remained a gentleman and went to his bedroom to retrieve a pillow and blanket for the girl. He picked up her head slowly and placed the pillow beneath her then draped the blanket over her body. He watched her sleep for a moment, admiring how peaceful and adorable she looked as she slept.

He retreated to his room, baffled by the fact that his intimate moment with Johanna was interrupted again due to a work call.

No wonder his wife left him.


	6. Chapter 6

Johanna's pounding headache woke her up ruthlessly the next morning. She opened her eyes, immediately confused by her unfamiliar surroundings. She sat up too quickly, causing her head to spin. She clutched her forehead eagerly as the room slowly stopped spinning.

"Morning," Elliot called as he walked into the living room behind her, scratching his chest through his white t-shirt.

Startled, Johanna jumped a little then looked over at him; the events of the night before came rushing back to her mind but vaguely. She remembered the bar, dancing, kissing, going back to Elliot's house. Then she noticed she was on the couch and still fully clothed. She remembered Elliot stepping outside to take a phone call.

"Oh my God," she shut her eyes and hung her head. "Did I fall asleep before we...?"

Elliot laughed and nodded his head, rubbing the back of his neck.

"I am so embarrassed," she whined.

Elliot chuckled again as he stood next to the couch. "Don't be."

"I can't believe I did that, why didn't you kick my ass out?" She spat, angry with herself.

"I would never," he protested. "I'm gonna put a pot of coffee on, you want some?"

"And now you're offering me coffee?" She asked.

"Well, yeah. If your hangover is anything like mine, you won't survive the day without it," he answered as he walked into the kitchen.

"What time is it?" She questioned.

"Almost six AM," Elliot answered from the kitchen.

"Oh, God," she groaned. "Yeah, I'll take that cup of coffee."

"I put a t-shirt and some sweatpants of mine in the bathroom if you want to shower and change," he called to her. "Bathroom is down the hall to the right."

"Wow, I give you blue balls, and you give me coffee and a change of clothes?" She laughed as she walked over to the doorway of the kitchen.

"I'll even give you a ride home later if you'd quit yapping about my balls and go shower," he retorted with a smile, glancing over his shoulder at her.

Johanna smiled and walked down the hall to the bathroom. Though Elliot was always a gentleman and always so polite, she felt guilty about how well he was treating her that morning after the stunt she accidentally pulled a few hours earlier.

No one had ever treated her so well.

* * *

When Johanna walked back into the living room after her shower, she felt like a whole new person. She was clad in Elliot's navy blue NYPD sweatpants that hung off her hips loosely and one of his grey NYPD sweatshirts.

"Feel better?" Elliot asked when she plopped down on the couch next to him.

"Much," she responded.

"Here." He grabbed one of the two coffee mugs off the coffee table in front of him and handed it to her.

"Thank you," she sighed as she inhaled the delicious scent of the dark liquid in the mug. "Seriously."

"Don't mention it," he shook his head, taking a sip of his coffee.

"I'm sorry – did I mention that? I really am so embarrassed, Elliot," she admitted, using his first name, which she almost never did.

"I really don't want you to be. Shit happens," he told her.

Johanna noticed a picture frame on the coffee table in front of them. It held a picture of Elliot and four children smiling wildly. "Are those your kids?"

"Yeah," Elliot smiled, looking at the picture frame as well.

"Can I ask you something personal?" She inquired. "If you're not in the mood to share secrets before dawn, I get it. I'm just being nosey."

"Nah, go for it. It's probably better to ask me before the sun comes up," he answered honestly.

"How long have you been divorced?" She wondered.

"Almost a year," he replied.

"Has there been anyone since your wife or am I the first girl you brought home?" She continued.

"You're the first girl I brought home," he told her truthfully. "No one even got my attention in that way until I met you."

"Why did you get divorced?"

Elliot sighed. He hated talking about his divorce, but he knew she deserved to know the truth. "I was married to my job more than my wife. I spent more time with my partner and with victims than I did with my kids."

Johanna didn't respond as a signal for him to continue.

"We fought about it constantly. I tried to be home more, I really did. I love my kids more than anything, but I wasn't there as much as I should've been. One day I got home and Kathy, my ex, had packed up all her stuff and all the kids' stuff and was gone. She walked away after 15 years, just like that," he explained. "I'm pretty sure she had an affair or two before we finally split."

"I'm sorry, Elliot," Johanna expressed.

"It was my own fault," he admitted. "Everyone saw it coming, myself included. But it's better this way, you know? Kathy and I don't have to walk on eggshells all day long anymore. I mostly just miss my kids. I wish she could've stuck it out a little longer though, at least until the twins were a little older."

Johanna examined the look on Elliot's face. It was a mixture of sadness, relief, distress, and confusion. He was vulnerable, his heart was exposed, and she figured she owed it to him to do the same. To make herself vulnerable and expose her own heart back to him.

"I don't date," she blurted out.

"What?" Elliot asked, confused by her random comment.

"I haven't dated anyone seriously in over 5 years," she stated, almost unsure of where she was going with her statement.

"Why not?"

"I don't even know where to begin," she confessed, kicking herself for not thinking it through before she began spilling her heart out. She wasn't sure what specifics were appropriate to share at this point. "I mean, it's as cliché as it gets: I went through a lot as a kid – a lot of death and shitty experiences. I had to grow up quick, and I didn't trust anyone – I expected almost everyone around me to either die tragically or do something horrific to betray my trust – so I didn't allow myself to connect with people or get attached in any way."

Elliot listened intently, wondering where she was going with this and what he was about to hear.

"By the time I was 15, my life had settled down, gotten better, and I finally thought I was going to turn out pretty decent and normal. That normalcy lasted about 8 years. When I was 23, my world flipped upside down. To cope, I kept myself busy with grad school and work; therefore I disconnected myself and detached myself from everyone and everything else. And as a result, I haven't dated anyone seriously in five years," she explained.

"What happened?" he pushed. He felt a sudden nervousness, afraid of what he was going to find out about her.

Like Elliot, Johanna was hesitant to share her story, but after falling asleep on him and then making him share his secret, she felt she had no choice but to enlighten him.

"I had my shit together, you know? I had just gotten my undergrad degree, a great job, and I was engaged to who I thought was my soul mate," she began. "Life was perfect. Then I found out I was pregnant. It was a pretty huge hiccup in my perfect life, but it didn't seem like anything we couldn't handle. We actually were pretty excited about it after a while."

Elliot remained silent, wanting her to continue as she had done to him.

"When I was about three months along, my father had a sudden massive heart attack and died. Five days later, as a result of all the stress and distress from my father's death and funeral, I had a miscarriage," she confessed.

"Jo," Elliot sighed softly, giving her a nickname for the first time. "I'm so sorry."

"I was too. I felt horrible. I felt responsible," she paused to take a sip of her coffee. "When I came home from the doctor and told my fiancé, I expected him to cry, to be angry, to hug me and promise me that everything would be okay. But he didn't. He just looked...relieved. He tried to let me down easily, but he confessed to having an affair. He was planning to call off our engagement until I got pregnant."

Elliot's heart was in his stomach. Life wasn't fair, he knew that from his life experiences and his years of being a cop, but the beautiful girl with tears in her eyes confirmed it. He rested his hand on her thigh and gave it a comforting squeeze.

"So I moved out and started over. I applied and got into to grad school, started a new and better job, and stayed busy to cope and move on. And by the time I had moved on and felt okay again, I was so used to being by myself that I didn't know how to be with anyone else," she explained. "I mean I've dated guys here and there, but no one who lasted, no one who could put me back on my feet or make me feel normal again."

He sighed beside her. "Looks like neither one of us are really sure about what we're doing here."

"That's for sure," Johanna agreed, taking a sip of her coffee. "I really enjoy spending time with you though, and I'm clearly very attracted to you. I...I guess it scares me that you've been married before and that you have children – you're so selfless and put together. I'm not like that. I've only had to worry about myself. I've always been able to go and do whatever I want whenever I want. And I'm not really looking to change that anytime soon."

"Would it make you feel better if I told you that I'm actually thankful that you're so carefree? That you don't come with any baggage and you can do as you please?" Elliot admitted.

"Why's that?" She wondered.

"Because I haven't had that luxury for the last 15 years. Yeah, I miss my kids constantly if I'm not with them, but sometimes I enjoy being able to come home and just listen to silence. No fighting with my wife or disciplining the kids. And I really look forward to being around you because you help me feel so carefree."

Johanna was glad to hear that.

"So, what now?" She asked. "We just enjoy a carefree relationship? I'm not looking to settle down any time soon and it sounds to me like you've been settled down for too long."

"Right. So let's just take each day as it comes," Elliot suggested. "I don't want to rule anything out, because life is unpredictable, so let's just agree to have fun, and be open and honest with each other so we don't cross any lines. If something becomes too much for you, tell me. And I'll do the same."

"I like that idea," She nodded.

The two sat there in silence, relishing in the fact that the inevitable relationship talk had happened so easily and ended on such a promising note. To them, if things could always go that smoothly, they were in for a great time. Their only question now: _would_ things always go that smoothly?


	7. Chapter 7

The day had been long for the detectives in the special victims unit. Victim after victim, suspect after suspect, interrogation after interrogation. Their energy had been depleted hours earlier, and their night was nowhere near over.

Elliot and Olivia exited the interrogation room after a long, unsuccessful, and irritating cross-examination. They both looked haggard and their clothes were disheveled from the full day of wear. They walked through the unit, ignoring their colleagues' phrases of encouragement as they passed, and sat down at their desks to go over the files of the case again to hopefully find something they missed, something useful, something to end their long day.

Elliot's phone vibrated on his desk, buzzing loudly. He picked up his phone with one hand and rubbed the back of his neck with the other. It was a text message from Johanna.

_'Hey Stabler, just wanted to say hi and see how you were doing.' _

Despite the rough day he was having, Elliot smiled. He instantly felt relaxed, reading the words on the screen a few times over to lessen how much he missed the girl. They agreed to keep their weekly meetings for now, but he wanted more. He enjoyed the time they had spent on his couch, talking as the sun came up, and he wanted to relive that, but he held back, knowing better than to let things move too fast.

_'It's been a long day, but I'm better now that I heard from you. What are you up to?'_ He typed back to her.

He never really sent or received text messages before he met Johanna. The ones he got were usually from Kathy, after he failed to answer his phone a few times, asking when he would be home, or from his older daughters, asking the same. Now, his heart fluttered a little when his phone buzzed, knowing whatever the text said would probably put a smile on his face if it was from Johanna.

"You've got it so bad," Olivia teased from her desk. She glanced up when Elliot's phone had buzzed, curious to see if he had received any info regarding their current case. But when the rigid lines in his face softened and a smile appeared on his lips, she knew it was a text from Johanna.

"Do not," Elliot defended as his phone buzzed again. Another text.

_'Relaxing. Taking a hot bath, drinking a glass of wine. Only thing missing is you.'_

Elliot smirked. He felt his groin twitch in his pants at the thought of being there with her. Since last Thursday's escapades nearly ended in sex, he was fairly certain that it would happen after their next meet-up in a few days. He would be lying if he said he wasn't looking forward to it.

_'Wish I could be there.'_ He replied.

"I'm thinking we need to go talk to the sister again," Olivia stated, looking up from her files. She had a gut feeling about the sister of their victim.

"You think she knows more than she's telling?" Elliot asked, putting his cell phone down on his desk.

"I don't know if she's hiding any info on purpose, but I feel like if anyone could give us vital details at this point, it's her," she told him.

He nodded in agreement. "It's worth a shot."

"I'm going to call her and ask her to come back in," Olivia informed him, picking up the office phone that sat on her desk.

Elliot's phone buzzed again, receiving another text from Johanna.

_'Come over then. I want to do dirty things to you.' _

His mouth opened slightly as blood immediately rushed to his nether regions, pulsating as he grew slightly hard. His heart thumped in his chest. He wondered, for a moment, if it would be possible to ditch work for an hour or two so he could go over to her house. He could say he was going to question a suspect or hell, he could even fake sick for a bit. He quickly snapped back into reality, remembering how unethical it would be for him to do something like that. It was incredible how abruptly he became an animal after over a year of sex deprivation.

_'You have no idea what I would give to be able to come over.'_ He typed back to her.

He leaned forward putting his elbows on his desk and rubbing his eyes with his hands, trying to recite the alphabet backwards to get rid of the debilitating feeling between his legs.

This girl was killing him.

* * *

Johanna sat at her desk in her office on Thursday morning, writing in a binder that contained the therapy plans she had outlined in great detail for her clients. Her red hair was pulled up into a ponytail and she wore teal green scrubs, the standard uniform at her workplace.

"Soo," her coworker and friend, Grace, suddenly appeared in her doorway. "Excited for tonight?"

Johanna looked up from her writing to see the thin black-haired girl, dressed in similar scrubs, leaning against the doorframe with an apple in her hand. Grace was the only person she considered a close friend, though she was friendly with almost all the girls she worked with.

"Yes," she answered with a smile, anticipating her night with Elliot.

"What're you going to wear?" Grace wondered, taking a bite of her apple.

"I haven't even decided yet," Johanna admitted. "Probably a dress. Or does that scream 'easy access'?"

Grace laughed. "Depends on the dress."

She considered Johanna her best friend. Though they didn't spend much time together outside of work, they often confided in each other when they needed someone to talk to.

Despite the restraints she placed on her relationships, Johanna appreciated and valued her friendship, and though she didn't realize it, she needed a friend like Grace to rely on.

"Do you think you'll stay the night again or is that against your weird rules?" She asked Johanna.

"I don't know," the redhead answered honestly, wondering if she would feel compelled to leave after they did the deed.

"I mean, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, you know?" Grace suggested, taking another bite of her apple. "To be in a serious relationship with him. I think he'd be good for you."

She knew the details of Johanna's unsettling past and attachment issues, but she didn't understand how she could practically date a guy without wanting a future with him. She didn't understand how she could easily have a relationship with Elliot without forming a true bond. Though she wondered if he would be the one to break her friend's strange habits.

"He is good for me," Johanna told her. "We're good for each other. It's just easy this way."

"You're going to fall in love with him," Grace teased.

"Oh, whatever!" Johanna laughed.

"Hell, I'm practically in love with him! He sounds perfect!" Grace cooed. "He's a broody protective cop who doubles as a sensitive family man, and I'll bet he's mind-blowing in bed."

"I wouldn't mind losing that bet," Johanna joked, though she was serious.

The two laughed at each other in good spirits.

"Well," Grace sighed as she pushed herself off the doorframe, apple in hand. "Have fun tonight, be safe, and I look forward to hearing all the juicy details from you tomorrow."

"Thanks, girl," Johanna replied with a smile. "See you tomorrow."

She looked at her clock as Grace disappeared from her view. Only a few more hours until her rendezvous with Elliot.


	8. Chapter 8

The special victims squad room was exceptionally busy that Thursday night, filled with the sounds of papers rustling, phones ringing, and people talking. They had received a huge break in a hot case, and everyone was working overtime to try to and solve the case before the perpetrator could strike another victim. Tensions were high, and everyone seemed to be moving a million miles a minute.

Elliot and Olivia sat in an interview room, scattering papers all over the table. He glanced up at the clock every few minutes, a pang of sadness and anger filling his gut. It was nearly 9 PM and they were nowhere near being done for the night. He was dreading the impending phone call he would have to make to Johanna to cancel their night of fun.

He was furious that there would be a two-week gap between their last and next meet-up. He was annoyed that he would have to wait another week to see and feel Johanna's body under his. He was worried about how she would react to the news, anticipating a foul reaction similar to his ex-wife's usual one.

"I got something!" Olivia shouted as she stood up, holding a paper firmly in her grasp.

She darted out the room. Elliot quickly followed her, oblivious to what she had just discovered.

"Mason Burke's alibi," Olivia stated simply as she slammed the paper on her desk and began shuffling through papers on her desk. "We never checked out his alibi, and his story was shifty from the start."

By this time, Fin Tutuola and his partner, John Munch, had gathered around Olivia's desk with Elliot, sharing his curious and confused expression. She picked up a small notebook and flipped through the pages carefully.

"Here," she said, more calmly. "He said he was out buying groceries at the time of the rape and murder, but he never showed us a receipt. We didn't bother to follow up with it since we thought we had the guy in custody."

"We're on it," Fin told her, taking the paper she had placed on her desk.

"Let's just go straight to the grocery store; no use in wasting time asking for him to give us a receipt when he probably doesn't have one," Munch suggested as they started to walk away.

"Hey!" Elliot called after them. "If the times don't match up or they don't have a receipt, bring him in!"

"Got it," Fin responded before the partners walked out. "We'll let you know what we find!"

Olivia sighed with relief, running a hand through her hair. Elliot rubbed her back softly, letting her know she could relax for a moment while they waited to hear from their fellow detectives.

"I'm gonna go call Johanna and let her know I'm not going to make it tonight," Elliot informed her with a sigh.

She gave him a sympathetic and apologetic look and nodded her head as he walked away, pulling his phone out of his pocket. She wished there was a way she could continue working on the case alone so he could have his long-awaited date night, but without her likeminded partner, she was essentially useless.

The trill of the phone ringing made Elliot's stomach twist into knots. He was admittedly afraid of what the fiery redhead would say.

"Hey, Stabler," Johanna's perky voice filled his ears. He could tell just by hearing her voice that she was smiling. It made his heart skip a beat.

"Hey, you," he responded softly, realizing how badly he needed to hear her voice. "I've got some bad news."

"What's wrong?" She questioned; the pep in her voice faltered slightly.

"I'm not going to make it tonight," he sighed. "Olivia and I are going to be working all night on this case. I'm so sorry."

He couldn't recall how many times he had repeated those words before, feeling the guilt smack him in the stomach all over again.

"Oh, bummer," Johanna frowned, understandably upset.

"I really am so sorry," he apologized again.

"Don't be, goofball," she laughed. "I mean I'm bummed of course, but it's not like you're canceling because you hate me...right?"

"Right," Elliot laughed.

"Then no worries," she reassured him. "I get it."

Relief washed over him like a wave. He couldn't believe he wasn't going to have to get on his knees and beg for forgiveness to avoid the wrath of an angry woman.

"You," Elliot sighed. "You're incredible."

"I know," Johanna laughed.

"I might call you tomorrow," he told her as the thought of suggesting they get together over the weekend to make up for their canceled night entered his mind.

"Do that," she insisted. "Bye, Stabler."

"Bye, Jo."

Elliot was so thankful that he was blessed to have that girl in his life. He wasn't sure what he had done to deserve her, but he was glad it happened. Even though he knew Kathy's wrath had understandably come from years of canceled dates and disappointing phone calls, he appreciated the differences between his ex-wife and Johanna.

Everything about her was new to him. It was like he was leading a whole new life. A better, more exciting, more relaxed life. And he loved it.

* * *

The station was finally quiet around midnight. Only Elliot and Olivia remained at their desks while everyone else was either at home for the night or working elsewhere. The office phone on Elliot's desk rang, breaking the silence of the room.

"Elliot Stabler," he answered as he held the phone to his ear, propping it up with his shoulder as he wrote in a file. Olivia stood up and stretched then made her way over to the bathroom.

"Elliot," the voice he recognized as Maggie's from the front desk replied. "I've got a Johanna Rowan here. She's looking for you. Can I send her up?"

"Um, yeah, of course," he answered then hung up the phone.

He was curious and a little worried as to why Johanna was at the station at midnight. He prayed nothing bad had happened, but a twinge of happiness filled his stomach when he realized he was going to see her that night after all, even if it was under new circumstances.

Johanna made her way up the elevator and through the doors of the unit where she saw Elliot sitting at his desk waiting for her. She had a white bag in each hand.

"I hope this isn't totally crossing any lines," she began to ramble as she approached him. "But I got a late night craving for Chinese, and the only restaurant I know of that's open this late is a few blocks from here, so I got some food for you and your partner while I was there, I figured you guys probably hadn't eaten much today. I promise I'm not staying."

She fought with herself internally over whether or not to bring them food as she stood in the small restaurant a few minutes earlier. She thought about calling Elliot first to see if they were hungry and if it was okay if she stopped by, but she was afraid she would change her mind after and have to deal with the dilemma of showing up anyway or explaining to him why she didn't.

"You brought us food?" He questioned as she set the bags down at his desk.

"I totally broke our rule; stopping by your work is too serious, huh?" She wondered.

"No, no," Elliot shook his head as he examined the contents in the bag. "Even if it is, I don't care." He really didn't care. He was so happy to see her and beyond amazed at the generous gesture; he wasn't even worried about her stepping over boundaries. The smell of the fried foods filled his nostrils, making his mouth water; it had been hours since they had eaten.

Olivia emerged from the bathroom, puzzled at the sight she saw near her desk. "Hi," she stated simply, announcing her presence.

"Liv, this is Johanna," Elliot introduced. "Jo, this is my partner Olivia."

"It's so nice to finally meet you," Johanna smiled as she shook Olivia's hand.

"You too," Olivia responded.

"I'm just dropping off some food – I was just telling Elliot I had a late night craving for Chinese and was in the neighborhood," Johanna explained. "I figured you guys probably hadn't eaten in a while."

"Wow." Olivia was shocked by the beautiful stranger's generosity. "That's so nice, thank you."

"Not a problem," Johanna replied then turned to Elliot. "I'm gonna get going though."

"Why don't you stay and eat with us?" Olivia offered, wanting to get to know the woman better. After hearing all of Elliot's stories about her, Olivia determined that the girl was probably good news for him, but being so protective of her other half, she wanted to make sure for herself.

"Oh, that's okay," Johanna protested. "I already ate, and I know you two are busy. Plus, I need to get back home."

"Well, it was really nice to finally meet you, Johanna," Olivia told her. "And thank you for the food."

"No problem," Johanna smiled.

"I'll walk you out," Elliot said as he stood from his desk, walking beside the redhead as they approached the elevators.

"Okay, how do you not walk around with a boner all day?" Johanna joked as Elliot pressed the 'down' button on the wall. "Olivia is so hot."

He laughed at her wildness and shook his head.

"Did you really want Chinese food this late or did you just want to come spy on me?" He wondered as the elevator doors opened, remembering all the grief he got from Kathy about his partnership with Olivia.

"Did I really want Chinese food? Yes. Did I use that as a good excuse to come here and see you? Yes." Johanna spoke as they walked into the elevator and stood side by side. "But I was not here to spy on you, Stabler. If you're banging your partner, that's on you."

Elliot pressed the 'lobby' button and sighed then scratched the back of his head. "Sorry. My ex-wife used to give me hell every day about working with Olivia. Kathy was convinced I was having an affair with her, but it's not like that. It never has been, and it never will be."

"I wouldn't blame you if you banged her," she told him. "She's a knockout."

He laughed again and shook his head. "Not banging her."

Johanna shrugged. He noted that she didn't seem jealous or worried at all. Even after putting up with all of Kathy's nonsense for so long, he wasn't sure if Johanna's nonchalant attitude about Olivia was a good or bad thing.

"I'm glad you used Chinese food as an excuse to come see me though," he told her as he looked over at her. "I really did not want to cancel tonight."

"I know," she smiled softly at him. "We'll make up for it next week."

"Can't I just take you out on a real date instead of just getting you drunk and playing pool?" He wondered. "Or is that breaking our rule?"

"I don't know, but I kind of broke our rule tonight," Johanna stated. "So I think you can get a free rule-breaking pass."

The elevator doors opened, revealing the empty lobby of the station. The two went through the revolving glass door, leaving them in the frigid November air.

"Call me tomorrow and we'll set a date, okay?" She smiled as she stood on her tippy toes and kissed his lips softly and quickly.

She turned to walk away, but Elliot grabbed her arm and spun her back around, pulling her close to his body. He closed the small space between their faces, planting his lips gently onto hers. She brought her hand to the back of his neck and pulled his face down closer to hers, kissing him back deeply as his hand gripped her waist. They were oblivious to the random people walking around them, eyeing them as they kissed in the middle of the sidewalk.

When they broke away, their hot breath floated visibly out of their mouths as fog in the cold air.

"Thank you for being so incredible," he breathed. "And thank you for bringing us food tonight."

She smirked up at him. "Anytime, babe." She placed a quick peck on his cheek then broke away from him, walking away with a smile on her face.

When he walked back into the squad room upstairs, Olivia was sitting at her desk with chopsticks in one hand and a white box of food in the other.

"I like her already," Olivia said with a mouth full of food.

Elliot smiled. "Good."

"No, really," she started as she swallowed the food in her mouth. "She's gorgeous, and she just brought us food – so sweet."

"I know," he sighed, sitting at his desk to begin attacking the food as well.

"You kept going on and on about how great she is, but I thought you were mostly just full of shit because you hadn't gotten laid in forever," she admitted. "But I believe you now."

He laughed, thankful that Olivia seemed to approve. "I told you."

Elliot wasn't sure if he would ever get married again or if he even wanted to ever get married again. But he knew one thing for certain: he wasn't going to mess _anything_ up with Johanna.


	9. Chapter 9

Elliot drove home from the precinct quickly on Friday evening, eager to call Johanna to plan their date. The busy New York roads kept his mind alert as he drove through Queens to his home.

When he pulled up to his house, he noticed his ex-wife's car in the driveway. He groaned, wondering why she was there unannounced. He rolled his eyes when he realized she was nowhere in sight, meaning she had used her 'emergencies only' key to enter his house.

As he sauntered up the walkway, Dickie, his only son, came hurdling through the door toward him.

"Daddy!" The blond-haired, blue-eyed boy yelled excitedly as he hurried down the steps to his father.

"Hey, buddy!" Elliot exclaimed, picking his son up and holding him up in the air. "Look at you, you're getting so tall!"

He perched the child on his hip and walked up the steps to his front door where he met Kathy.

"What are you doing here?" He wondered, shutting the door.

"Dickie was missing his daddy," she informed him plainly.

"Aw," Elliot smiled at the boy in his arms. "Daddy was missing you too!" He tickled his son gently, sending the little boy into a fit of giggles.

Dickie wriggled in his father's arms, letting him know he wanted to get down. When his little feet hit the ground, he took off toward his bedroom that contained his toys.

"The girls didn't want to come over?" Elliot wondered.

"Maureen and Kathleen are going to friends' houses for the night and Elizabeth's at my mom's. Dickie kept asking for you, so I thought we'd come over and surprise you," his ex-wife explained. "Can he stay with you tonight?"

"Sure," he answered without hesitation, knowing Johanna would understand if he had to cancel his date with her again because of his son.

Kathy folded her arms across her chest and stared at Elliot as he walked into the kitchen. "Is it true?"

"Is what true?" He asked her as he walked toward the refrigerator.

"That you're seeing someone," she answered bluntly.

Elliot turned around and narrowed his eyes at her. "Who told you that?" Literally no one that knew about Johanna would blab about her to Kathy.

"A friend of mine saw you last night," she told him. "Outside the precinct. She said you were kissing a young redheaded girl when she passed by around midnight."

"Jesus, Kathy," he groaned, turning around and opening the refrigerator. "What the hell does it matter?"

"I just want to know. Is it true?" She asked again.

"No," Elliot snapped then realized he was technically lying. "I mean, yes, I'm seeing someone. But it's nothing serious."

"So you're basically just sleeping with her?" She accused.

"What the – is that why you're here?" He wondered, grabbing a coke from the fridge then turning back to her, realizing how suspicious it was that she brought Dickie to his house unexpectedly, wanting him to spend the night with Elliot. He scoffed, "Wow. You were trying to see if I was going to be busy with her tonight."

"Oh, as if." She rolled her eyes and dropped her hands. "Dickie was asking for you all day."

"But instead of calling, you just came over," Elliot hinted. "What, were you trying to catch us in the act or something?"

"You're ridiculous," she spat. But she knew she had been caught red-handed.

Initially, Kathy suspected it was Olivia he was kissing outside the precinct. It would've confirmed her relentless suspicion of their affair. But alas, her friend was positive that it was a woman younger and prettier than his partner. That thought didn't sit well with Kathy. She thought for sure once the divorce was final that he and Olivia would come clean and admit their misconducts – but she had been wrong about them all along. She thought it would make her happy to know the truth, but she cringed at Elliot upgrading to a younger and more attractive woman, and she had to find out for sure.

Elliot was in disbelief. For the first few months after their separation, he was heartbroken. He tried to persuade Kathy to come back, but once she signed the divorce papers, he relented and agreed to it. He was resentful but always remained cordial with her for the sake of his children. And now, he was thankful she left him and divorced him. He did not miss the unnecessary arguments.

"I don't get it, Kathy," he shook his head at her. "You're the one who wanted a divorce. You're the one who left me. What did you think I was going to do? What do you want from me?"

"I'm not doing this," she shook her head, turning around and heading for the door.

"That's right," Elliot provoked her as he followed her back into the living room. "Run away! It's what you do best when things don't go your way!"

"I'll be back to get Dickie in the morning," she spat before she opened the door and slammed it shut behind her.

He punched the back of the door angrily. Angry that Kathy still had the ability to put him in the worst mood. Angry that she used their son to manipulate him. Angry that because of her insecurities, even after their divorce, he was forced to stay home and wouldn't be able to take Johanna on his promised date. He wondered what happened to the vibrant woman he married.

Elliot sat in his recliner later that night, rocking back and forth slowly with his son asleep in his arms, drooling on his shirt. The room was dark, only illuminated by the flicker of the TV. The volume was turned down low, just barely above whispers, so his son could sleep soundly. He cherished moments like this, knowing his child wouldn't fall asleep on his chest like that for much longer.

He reached over carefully and grabbed his phone from the table beside him. He typed out a quick text message to Johanna, letting her know he was sorry that his plans had changed again, but he was in for the night with his son. He sent the text message then kissed the side of Dickie's head, almost as if he was reassuring his son that he didn't blame him for the turn of events.

He felt guilty for wanting to go out with Johanna. He loved his son and always wanted to spend time with him, but he missed his late nights with the vivacious redhead who was slowly but surely bettering his life. He clenched his jaw when he suddenly realized that's what Kathy wanted all along. She expected him to tell her that Dickie couldn't spend the night because he had plans, and she would use that against him to make him feel guilty for spending time with this woman instead of his children.

The phone buzzed quietly in his hand. _'Aww, glad you're getting to spend time with him. Don't worry about tonight – just have fun with your boy!'_ Johanna's text message read.

He sighed heavily. She was by far the most understanding person he had ever met. He appreciated her more than she could ever know. He wanted to just invite her over, Dickie would've loved her, but he knew she would think that meeting his kids was too serious of a step in their relationship.

Meeting his kids meant they had a serious, definite future.

* * *

Psychiatrist and criminal profiler, Dr. George Huang, stood next to Elliot outside the interrogation room as they watched Olivia intimidate a suspect on the other side of the one-way mirror.

"What do you think?" Dr. Huang asked. "You like him for it?"

"I don't know," Elliot answered as he watched the man franticly answer his partner's questions about his whereabouts on the night his ex-wife was murdered. "My gut is telling me yes, but I'm not convinced yet. What do you think?"

"Well," George began. He was always soft spoken with a gentle demeanor. "He seemed genuinely shocked at the details of the murder. And they've been divorced for a while; I don't see why he would want her dead at this point."

Elliot scoffed. "You've obviously never gone through a divorce."

George looked at his coworker, wondering where the snarky comment came from. "Having problems with Kathy?"

Ignoring the request to pry into his personal life, Elliot answered, "Just don't be so sure his ex-wife didn't still drive him crazy even after they were divorced."

"Would she drive him crazy enough to kill her?" George pushed.

"Huang, I'm not going to kill Kathy," Elliot rolled his eyes. "I can _hear_ the psychoanalysis in your questions."

"Sorry," George nodded, agreeing that he was trying to dissect his coworker's emotions, rather than just talking to him. "As a friend, not as a psychiatrist, I want you to know that if you need to talk about your relationship Kathy, I'm all ears."

Typically, Elliot would have brushed off his offer, not wanting to say something off-putting that would land him in mandatory psych counseling. But the recent tiff with his ex-wife was still strongly on his mind.

"She just always implies that I'm doing something wrong. She always has," Elliot looked forward through the glass and folded his arms. "Nothing was good enough – 'You're always working. You're always late. You never spend enough time with me or the kids. You never help around the house or fix what needs to be fixed.' All I ever heard was what I did wrong."

"Sounds like she put you down then kicked you when you were down," Huang observed.

"Yeah," Elliot confirmed. "So I did what she wanted, I divorced her. And now she's trying to make me feel guilty for seeing someone and trying to move on."

"How so?"

"A friend of hers saw me kissing Johanna outside the precinct a couple nights ago. So Kathy shows up to my house with Dickie yesterday unannounced, claiming he missed me and wanted to stay the night with me. I guess she expected me to tell her I was busy so she could ask why I would be busy and then I would either get caught lying or have to spill the beans that I was seeing someone," Elliot explained. "But I told her he could stay, so then she just flat out asked me if I was seeing someone then acted as if I was the one who was insane."

"She's projecting her insecurities on you, Elliot, making you feel bad because she feels bad, but she doesn't feel bad because of you. That stems from something deeper," Huang explained. "I know it affects you after enduring years of her belittling you, but the only way she will stop is when you stop letting her."

"I don't know how to stop letting her," Elliot admitted. "She's a pro."

"Start by reminding yourself that you aren't the cause of her unhappiness, therefore you shouldn't allow her to be the cause of yours," George suggested.

Elliot had to admit he had a point. If deep down, Kathy's issues were an internal conflict she had with herself, then he wasn't the reason for her unhappiness. Why did she get to be the root of his?


	10. Chapter 10

A cloud of panic drifted over the special victims unit on the Monday afternoon before Thanksgiving. That morning, Olivia and Elliot had been called to a crime scene where a woman, Eliza Ware, was found raped and murdered in her bedroom and her five-year-old son, Liam, was found in the corner of the room with terror and fear in his eyes, covered in his mother's blood. The paramedics that arrived at the scene assumed the little boy had witnessed his mother's untimely death.

The child sat in the brightly colored children's interrogation room, wailing and making repetitive movements with his hands. Untouched crayons and a blank coloring sheet sat on the table in front of him, proof of failed attempts to entertain and distract the boy.

Huang and Elliot stood outside the room waiting for his father, watching through the glass side of the one-way mirror. The child wore an oversized blue t-shirt, one the detectives had given him to get him out of his blood-soaked pajamas. He flapped his hands in the air quickly as tears ran down his face.

"George, Elliot, this is Andrew Ware, Liam's father and Eliza's ex-husband," Olivia introduced as she directed an understandably upset and disheveled man to them. "He's been questioned and cleared."

"What's wrong? Why is he crying?" Andrew asked frantically, as he approached the detectives, looking at his son with sadness in his eyes.

"We were hoping you could tell us," Elliot answered. "We can't get him to calm down or talk to us."

"Liam has autism," Andrew sighed, rubbing his forehead. "He can't speak. He can hear, he just can't talk."

"How do you communicate with him?" Olivia asked.

"Sign language," Andrew answered. "He's asking for his mom." He pointed to the child who was bringing his open hand to his face, touching his thumb to his chin over and over. "That's ASL for mom."

"I know this must be very difficult for you, but we need to talk to Liam and see if he can tell us anything about what happened last night, and we'll need you to translate for us," George stated.

"I-I'm not very good at it." Andrew ran his hand through his hair. "I only know a few words. Eliza always translated back and forth for us."

"We'll need to get a translator then," George informed him. "Do you think you can calm him down so he will talk to us?"

"I don't-I don't know," Andrew answered panicky. "Eliza was the only one who could ever get him to calm down. She was the only one who understood his condition."

Elliot immediately thought of how useful Johanna would be in this situation. Right then, a light bulb went off in his head.

"I know someone who can console your son _and_ communicate with him," Elliot stated. "With your permission, I can get her down here to help us."

"Of course," Andrew nodded. "Of course. You have my permission."

"Olivia, get the paperwork started, please," Elliot requested as he pulled out his cell phone and began to walk away, knowing that many forms had to be signed so that the child could be helped with parental permission and so any information given by the child would legally hold up in court. "I'm going to call Johanna; she'll know what to do."

"On it," Olivia stated as she walked off in the opposite direction.

Elliot dialed the redhead's number, praying she wasn't busy and could save the day.

"Hello?" Her sweet voice filled his ears.

"Are you busy right now?" Elliot asked with urgency in his voice.

"Nope, I just got home from work. Is everything okay?" She wondered.

"I have a huge favor to ask," he told her. "How quickly can you get down to the station?"

* * *

Elliot, George, and Andrew watched through the one-way mirror as Johanna sat in the children's interview room, massaging Liam's head. The boy sat in her lap, sniffling wildly, but no longer crying as he let the woman's hands relax him. When she arrived at the station, she asked his father what sensory issues the child had, and when he informed her of the few things he knew about his son's autism, she knew exactly what methods to use to calm him down.

Elliot stared at her, so impressed by her yet again. Hearing her talk about her job was incredible, but watching her in action...he was in awe. He knew she had gone through years of schooling and practice to learn the techniques and information required, but it was still so inspiring to see. It was like she was the autism whisperer.

"I'm going to go in and try to talk to him now," George told the boy's father.

When Andrew nodded in compliance, George opened the door and went in. Johanna lifted the child to his feet then helped him sit in a chair. She remained on the floor, close to the boy, continuing to do gentle sensory squeezes throughout the child's body to help him remain tranquil.

"Hi, Liam. My name is George. How are you doing?" George asked, sitting across the boy in a chair much too small for his adult body.

Liam's little hand fluttered in quick motions. "He said he's sad," Johanna translated, her heart breaking for the boy.

"I'm a horrible father," Andrew sighed outside the room, watching his son's hands move appropriately in an attempt to answer George's questions.

"What makes you say that?" Elliot wondered.

"When Liam was diagnosed a few years ago, I shut down," Andrew told him. "Eliza did everything – she took him to all his appointments, got him set up in therapy, learned sign language, all that. Me? I did nothing. I couldn't handle having a special needs child."

"Raising a child with special needs is difficult," Elliot comforted.

"Yeah, but...I didn't even try. I worked as much as I could so I would never have to go home. Because if I went home, I would have to help with Liam. And I couldn't stand his tantrums; I couldn't stand not being able to communicate with him. I felt so disconnected from him and even from Eliza. Eventually I just left. We got divorced, I saw him on the weekends. But when he got a little older, I could only see him under supervised visits because I never bothered to learn much sign language, so Eliza had to translate everything for me," Andrew explained.

"I understand that better than you think," Elliot reassured him. "It makes you human; not a bad father."

"I never imagined that I'd have to attempt to do this without Eliza," Andrew admitted. "You have to find who did this to her."

"You have my word." Elliot knew better than to make a promise he wasn't certain he could keep, but he would try everything in his power, and he knew Olivia would too – their success rate grew every year. The two of them were unstoppable, so he felt comfortable promising the man that he would find his ex-wife's killer.

The little boy emerged from the room an hour later when they finished questioning him. His eyes lit up when he saw his dad and he quickly ran toward him. Andrew scooped his child up in his arms and hugged him tightly.

"Hey, buddy," he cooed sympathetically then turned to Johanna and said, "Thank you."

"Mr. Ware," Johanna spoke. "If you'd like, I'd be more than happy to show you a few helpful signs so you can communicate with Liam better, and even a few techniques that might be helpful in getting him relax."

"I would really appreciate that."

"If you'll come with me, Mr. Ware," George began. "I need you to fill out a few papers and then we'll get you set up with Miss Rowan."

"Sure." Andrew nodded before following George out the room.

Elliot turned to Johanna while they stood alone in the quieter, darker area of the squad room.

"Thank you," he told her. "I feel like I'm always telling you this, but you're incredible."

"I'm glad I could help," she replied, smiling back at him, genuinely happy to help him. She was flattered that Elliot had thought of her and trusted her for assistance.

She pushed herself up on her tiptoes and pressed her lips against Elliot's gently.

"I owe you big time," he spoke into her lips, still attached by the kiss.

"Mmhmm," she smiled and nodded then broke away from his lips. "I got my certification test results in this morning."

"You did? And?" He pushed, wondering what the outcome was.

"I passed," she told him, smiling.

He couldn't help but smile back at her as he pulled her into a hug. "I knew you would. Congratulations."

"Thanks," she replied, still smiling as she wrapped her arms around his waist to hug him back. She inhaled, smelling Elliot's strong scent of cologne.

"I'm really proud of you, Jo," he said.

"Thanks," she repeated, pulling out of the hug.

They shared the same thoughts for a moment, wondering how they got so lucky to be able to turn their lives around with such a wonderful person by their side.


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's Note: Changed the story rating to M due to this chapter and the next chapter containing detailed mature content. &***

* * *

The first snow of the winter fell from the sky around Johanna and Elliot as they stood next to each other on the tenth-floor rooftop bar of the restaurant where they had finally been able to enjoy a night together. The two were leaning forward on the railing that overlooked the hectic New York City street below them. Though the temperature was frigid and low, an empty bottle of wine left behind at their dinner table proved to keep their blood warm and their judgment clouded throughout the night.

Johanna's thin frame was clad in a red dress that stopped at her mid-thigh, one she knew would drive Elliot wild, covered by a black coat. For warmth, black tights covered her legs and a black girly beanie covered the top of her head and ears. Elliot was dressed equally as formal, wearing a black button down shirt with a light blue tie and his usual black slacks. His outfit was covered by a black coat as well.

Their long-awaited date night had gone by without a hitch on the Saturday night after Thanksgiving as they enjoyed a great dinner together, an entire bottle of expensive wine, then made their way to the rooftop, allowing the night to end perfectly with the snowfall.

"I loved snow days when I was a kid," Elliot stated, watching the white flurries fall, thinking back to his youth.

"I still love snow days," Johanna replied.

Elliot was reminded of her carefree youth again, remembering one of the reasons why he was slowly becoming enamored with her. The days of his youth were in his past, but hers were in her present. He looked over at her, noting how brightly green her eyes seemed in the snow as they glanced upward at the clouds and how her long eyelashes batted against one another when she blinked. Little specks of white snow were trapped in her dark red hair that fell around her face effortlessly.

"What?" She wondered, feeling his eyes on her. Her cheeks slowly flushed a rosy color.

"You're stunning," he told her. There's that liquid courage again.

"Stop," she smiled, turning away shyly.

"You are," he reassured her. "I don't think I've ever told you that, but I'm thinking it every time I look at you."

She looked back at him to see a gentle expression on his face. He was looking at her so adoringly. She felt a pang of nervousness in her stomach, realizing how much she was starting to like Elliot. She wasn't opposed to the feeling, but it made her anxious to think that one day she might not be able to live her life without him.

"You look scared," he commented softly.

"I am," she admitted, looking into his eyes for any sort of sign or answer to calm her fleeting nerves.

"Don't be," he whispered, leaning over to kiss her cheek.

Butterflies went crazy in her stomach, making her knees weak. She let the bubbling feeling of lust overwhelm her body. She let happiness replace her nervousness. Or maybe it was the bottle of wine they shared that was letting the emotions flood her bones.

"Let's get out of here," she suggested.

"Are you ready to go home?" He wondered.

"Yeah," she answered with a flirty smile. "But you're coming with me."

* * *

Johanna giggled when Elliot hoisted her up onto his back in the middle of the snowy sidewalk. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he hooked his arms under her knees to hold her in place as he gave her a piggyback ride on their trek back to her apartment. The wine she had consumed earlier left her with little reservations about her rear end almost being exposed in the cold air.

Headlights from an oncoming taxi were approaching as they stepped off the curb and into the street, jaywalking before the 'walk' light gave them the go-ahead signal.

"Go! Go! Go!" Johanna exclaimed excitedly, seeing the car getting closer to them.

Elliot picked up his pace, jogging quickly as he crossed the street onto the next block, making the girl on his back laugh wildly. He laughed a little, unable to remember the last time he found anything about crossing the street remotely fun or humorous. But then again, nearly everything he did with Johanna was fun or humorous, no matter how miniscule.

She rested her cheek on the side of his face as he slowed his pace to a walk, adoring the feeling of the warmth of his skin against her own. She kissed behind his ear gently, and a smile tugged at his lips. Knowing she was about to start a hypothetical fire, she began placing soft kisses on his skin from his ear down his neck. The feeling of her warm breath sent chills down his spine when she kissed the back of his neck.

The scent of his cologne drove Johanna wild.

"Up here." She pointed to a building they were approaching on the left.

Elliot set her down softly on her feet, and she grabbed his hand, pulling him into the building. When they got into the elevator, she backed him up against the wall, kissing him fervently.

His hands were gripping her hips as they passed the second floor. She pushed her tongue into his mouth as they passed the third floor. Her lips traveled from his mouth to his neck as they passed the fourth floor. He grunted when her tongue skimmed a sensitive spot in the crook of his neck as they passed the fifth floor. They were both throbbing between their legs when they landed on the sixth floor. The elevator dinged as the doors opened, and again, Johanna grabbed his hand to drag him wherever she was headed.

She took off her hat and fumbled with her keys as she approached her apartment door. Elliot stood closely behind her, his hands on her hips, attaching his lips to her neck, and pushing his hard groin against her from behind. She unlocked the door and turned around, pulling him to her by his tie and putting her lips back onto his as they busted through her front door.

They shed their coats and shoes, lips still attached, as Johanna blindly led the way to her bedroom, allowing Elliot to push her backwards onto the bed when they reached their destination. She smirked as he climbed on top of her, kissing her again, unable to keep his lips off of her. His lips moved from her mouth to her neck and across her collarbone.

She loosened Elliot's tie, though her eyes kept rolling into the back of her head with pleasure. As she began to work on unbuttoning his shirt, he pushed her red dress up to her waist, feeling the bare skin of her toned stomach against his fingertips. He broke away from kissing her briefly as he pulled her tights down, revealing her smooth legs and lacy black thong. Johanna sat up on the edge of the bed when Elliot stood back up on the floor, watching as he shrugged off his shirt, revealing a white undershirt, which he quickly pulled over his head.

She leaned forward, kissing his bare abs as her hands moved to his belt, undoing the buckle then button. She took her lips off of his body to pull her dress over her head and snap off her black bra, baring her size D breasts, and then she pulled down Elliot's pants and underwear simultaneously, exposing his fully hard manhood.

A wave of pleasure erupted through Elliot's body when he felt Johanna's warm mouth around his dick – he couldn't remember the last time he felt that sensation, but it had been years. He grunted, grabbing a fistful of her hair as she bobbed her head up and down, wetting his shaft with her warm saliva. She couldn't help herself; she lusted so hard for him, she could've kept her mouth on him for hours.

He pulled her off his dick when he felt an orgasm building up, knowing damn well he was not ready to release yet. He worried, for a moment, how the hell he was going to last more than a minute when he was actually inside of her.

He pushed her back onto the bed, pulling her black panties down her legs and letting them fall to the floor then leaned forward and softly kissed her slit. Using his fingers to part her lips, he exposed her clit and wet folds, very delicately skimming his tongue around them. He inserted a finger inside of her, satisfied at how wet she was. A moan escaped her lips as she bucked her hips; in return, he flicked his tongue on her sensitive, swollen clit. She yelped in pleasure.

"I can't take it anymore," she sighed. "Get up here."

Elliot did as he was told, climbing back on top of her, using his knee to guide her legs open. He was reeling with excitement. His sex life hadn't been this exhilarating in years.

He placed his throbbing head at her warm entrance, already about to melt into the floor at the feeling.

"Wait," he had a sudden moment of realization. "Do I need to wear a condom?"

She shook her head. "I'm on the pill."

He nodded then began to slide inside of her, shutting his eyes in pleasure. She loved the sight of him being so aroused by her.

"God," he groaned when he was fully inside of her. The heat in the room could've melted all the snow in the city. He tried so hard to keep his cool so he could appropriate please the gorgeous naked woman below him. He realized that he had been so distracted that he didn't even take time to admire her body.

He propped himself up on his hands, looking down into Johanna's green eyes. She smiled at him shyly as his eyes wandered lower to her perky breasts and hard nipples then lower to her toned stomach and even lower to her perfectly groomed womanhood that enveloped his pulsating dick.

"You're perfect," he told her sweetly.

She smiled again then bucked her hips. "If you don't start moving, I'm going to lose my mind."

That was all she had to say. Still balancing on his hands, he pulled out of her then slowly pushed back in over and over as Johanna threw her head back, moaning. She couldn't help but watch his hips as he thrust in and out of her, sending waves of pleasure throughout her body, building up more and more each time. She was no stranger to sex, but the passion she felt radiating from his body was a new experience. She ran a hand down his chiseled chest and stomach, feeling him move against her in more ways than one.

Elliot locked eyes with the redhead, watching as her body bounced due to his movements. Her hips rolled forward and backward, meeting his with force so he wasn't left to do all the work. His member slid in and out of her with ease due to her natural lubrication.

"Mmm," Johanna moaned as Elliot leaned forward to kiss her neck and slightly quickened the pace of his hips. "Just like that."

He grunted at her words. Her mouth slowly opened and her eyelids fluttered as she felt the pleasure building up in her body. Elliot tried as hard as he could to keep up the pace she demanded, burying his face in her neck and thrusting deep within her. Her body tensed below him and he felt her muscles tighten around his dick.

A minute later, a mind-blowing orgasm exploded throughout Johanna's body, rolling from her shoulders down to her bucking hips repeatedly. She cried out Elliot's name, holding him close to her with one hand around his neck and clutching the bed sheets with the other as she writhed beneath him. Her toes curled and she pulsated around his throbbing dick, which he knew was going to send him over the edge.

Her body finally relaxed as Elliot continued rolling his hips against hers. He lifted his head to look at her adorably blissful face then pressed his forehead against hers and kissed her lips. She ran her hands down his back and began moving her hips again to help with some of the work.

Soon after, Elliot felt a surge of pleasure throughout his entire body. His mouth dropped and his eyes shut, letting the feeling take him over. It was unlike any orgasm he'd ever had before. His hips bucked sporadically as Johanna felt him spill inside of her, a feeling she would never forget.

They both laid still on the bed, breathing heavily and tiredly, unable to wrap their minds around the love they had just made and the orgasms they had just given to one another.


	12. Chapter 12

It was the smell of bacon that pulled Elliot out of unconsciousness the next morning. His mind slowly woke and his eyes fluttered open, adjusting to the blinding light of the sun blaring through the window. He wasn't familiar with his surroundings, though he figured he was in Johanna's room, immediately recalling the events that had taken place only hours prior.

He rolled over and saw the empty spot that Johanna left when she climbed out of bed earlier. In her place was his navy blue NYPD sweatpants that she had worn when she spent the night at his house; she left them for him in case he was cold when he woke up.

He stood up and pulled the pants over his naked legs and waist then started the search for his lover and the bacon he smelled.

He opened the bedroom door, which led him directly to the living room where he heard music. From there, he could see Johanna standing in the kitchen at the stove with her back to him, swaying gently to the soft music playing. She was wearing his white undershirt that hung on her small body loosely as she cooked a variety of scrambled eggs and bacon. He smiled when he saw the bottom of her bare butt peeking out from the edge of his shirt. She was the sweetest thing he had ever seen.

He walked up behind her and wrapped his arms lowly around her waist, slightly startling her as she hadn't heard him over the music.

"Good morning," Elliot muttered sleepily, kissing the back of her neck lovingly.

"Hey, you," Johanna replied, smiling, as she used a spatula to shuffle the breakfast foods around in a pan.

She turned off the heat of the stove, satisfied at the results of her cooking, then turned around to face Elliot. She wrapped her arms around his bare shoulders and smiled at his sleepy face.

"Jeez, you're adorable as hell in the morning," she cooed, loving the sleepy eyes, scruffy beard, and disheveled look he had.

"Mmm," he sighed, pressing his lips to hers and placing his hands on her waist. She kissed him back softly, adoring the way he tasted in the morning, running her fingers up and down the back of his neck and through the edge of his hairline.

Whether it was due to it being morning time or due to sheer arousal or both, Elliot stiffened quickly in his sweatpants. Johanna pushed her hips forward, putting pressure on his pulsating dick. He moved her to the side, not wanting her to burn herself against the stove, then pushed her back against the counter, deepening their kiss. He dragged his hands up her sides, pulling her shirt up and exposing her pinkness. He used one hand to hold her shirt in place and slipped his other hand between her legs, massaging her teasingly.

She broke their kiss and threw her head back in pleasure, letting Elliot work her over into a frenzy of wetness again. He managed to slip two fingers up into her warmth, feeling a slippery sign that his efforts were so far successful. He rubbed her clit and kneaded his fingers in a simultaneous rhythm, and Johanna's breathing grew heavy – she knew she wouldn't last much longer.

When Elliot felt her muscles tense around his fingers, he pressed his lips to hers again. She tightened her grasp around his neck and moaned loudly into his mouth. Elliot massaged her a little faster and her hips immediately began to jerk forward as she came against his hand.

After taking a moment to come down from her erotic high, Johanna relaxed on her feet and wasted no time spinning around and shoving Elliot against the counter. She dropped to her knees and pulled Elliot's pants down, letting them drop to his ankles, exposing his hardness. She ran her tongue from the base of his shaft to his tip then swirled her tongue around his head, making him groan in ecstasy.

She wrapped her mouth around him firmly, appreciating his large size, then glanced up and locked eyes with him before bobbing her head up and down on him. She placed both her hands behind him on his butt to hold him still as she worked him over like he had done to her.

"Fuck," he groaned, throwing his head back and putting his hands against the counter behind him to steady himself.

She moaned when she took his entire length in her mouth, causing waves from her vocal cords to vibrate on his thick head, which made his eyes roll into the back of his head. She wrapped a hand around his dick, sliding it up and down with her lips. When she rolled her tongue in rhythm with her mouth, he looked down at her, watching her, thinking how that nothing could possibly be sexier. He couldn't take it anymore. He threw back his head again and released into her mouth, grunting and feeling the familiar waves of pleasure flow through his body once again.

Their morning in her kitchen was much better and much more satisfying than the breakfast she had initially planned for them.

* * *

The snow had begun to fall again as Johanna sat with her bare legs stretched across Elliot's, which were covered in his sweatpants as he sat shirtless on her couch. He had one hand resting on her thigh and a coffee mug occupying his other hand as she held her mug with both of her hands. Her apartment was quiet and dark, as the power had gone out ten minutes earlier, just as they were finished eating the lukewarm eggs and bacon Johanna had cooked.

They sat comfortably in silence, enjoying their morning coffee and each other's presence, as they watched the snow fall, both still semi-high from their blissful endeavors against the kitchen counter and subsequent repeat of the night before on top of her kitchen table after.

Johanna observed Elliot, watching him as he stared out the window. She had never dated a man before, she realized. She had dated and slept with plenty enough _boys, _but never a man like him scruffy five o'clock shadow on his face, the hair that lined his chest and abdomen, the way he knew how to work her over in the bedroom, pleasing her before he allowed himself to be pleased. He was a man. A real man. But it wasn't just his sexual experiences; it was his life experiences too. Being a marine, then a cop, then a husband, then a father.

He looked lost in thought, as she had been.

"What are you thinking about?" Johanna wondered, wanting to know where his head was at.

"My oldest daughter," he admitted, still looking out the window. "She was always so excited for snow days, dragging her little sister outside to build snowmen and make snow angels. I was just wondering if she was out playing in it right now or if she thinks she's too cool to do stuff like that anymore. She's thirteen now, so she's getting to that age."

"Teenage daughters are tough," she said. "I know, I used to be one."

He laughed, realizing it wasn't that long ago that she herself was a teenage daughter.

"I just wish I could make her realize that growing up is not all that it's cracked up to be," he admitted. "I want her to realize that she is going to miss being a kid so much when she _has_ to be an adult, so I want her to cherish her childhood while she still can and not take herself so seriously."

"Well did you realize that when your parents used to tell you that?" She tested.

"Not even a little," he answered honestly.

"Exactly. Wanting to grow up too fast is part of being a kid," she said. "So if you're wanting her to still be a kid, I think she's right on track."

"Wow," Elliot sighed. "You're exactly right."

He loved the insight and wisdom she had. She was young enough and old enough to relate to both sides of the situation, and she managed to teach Elliot a lesson about teenagers _and_ parenting.

"I know," she smirked.

He laughed and rubbed her thigh lovingly, taking a sip of his coffee. He knew he could get used to mornings like this.


	13. Chapter 13

"Bye, Miss Jowanna!" The little dark-haired, blue-eyed boy waved.

"Bye, Kade! See you on Wednesday!" Johanna called after her client, watching as he walked away from her office with his mother after his therapy session.

When they were out of sight, Johanna began to clean up her table, putting the laminated pictures and cards away in their appropriate boxes. She turned around to put the box on the shelf above her and saw Grace walk into her office and shut the door behind her.

"I've got ten minutes until my client gets here," Grace said. "Tell me everything."

Johanna laughed as she set the box down on the shelf. "It was great."

Grace squealed, giddy and excited for her friend. "I knew it! Ah, details, woman, details!"

"We went to dinner, shared a bottle of wine, then went back to my place," Johanna told her.

"Umm." Grace widened her eyes. "How was he?"

"Just as good as you said he would be." Johanna winked.

"Oh my, God," Grace sighed. "Is he big? Did he last long? Did you? How many times did you achieve the big O?"

"Yes, yes, yes, and once each time," Johanna answered.

"_Each_ time? How many times did you do it?" Grace wondered.

"We had standard, cliché sex in the bedroom that night then the next morning we got each other off in the kitchen then boned again on my kitchen table."

"Shut up," Grace teased. "That is so hot."

Johanna nodded then added, "It was pretty hot."

"So you let him take you on a real date _and_ stay the night?" Grace questioned. "And you even cooked him breakfast?"

"And?" Johanna retorted.

"I mean, I don't know about you, but I certainly never cooked breakfast for any of my friends with benefits," Grace informed her. "That's a pretty big step for you; I'm proud."

Johanna had to admit that she had a point. She knew that their rendezvous certainly wasn't going to be a one-night stand, but they did spend quite a little bit of time together after the fact. She enjoyed it, of course, but she had to admit that it was much more than she was expecting at that time.

"Ugh, okay, I have to go," Grace groaned as she opened the door. "I'm so jealous of your hot cop sex – keep me updated."

"Okay," Johanna laughed as she watched the girl walk away.

As she sat at her desk to update the data in her binder, she couldn't help but think about what Grace had said. And the more she thought about it, the more it plagued her. So as soon as she was done with her last client of the day, she threw on her coat and headed across the city.

* * *

A mixture of dirt, ice, and snow created a gross, wet sludge on the New York sidewalks, which Johanna shuffled around under her rain boots as she waited against the brick wall. When she saw Elliot and Olivia exit through the familiar revolving glass doors of the precinct, a wave of guilt washed over her, knowing the conversation they were about to have might end badly.

"Johanna, hi!" Olivia was the first one to spot her and greet her.

"Hey, Olivia," Johanna acknowledged with a smile.

"Hey," Elliot greeted, also smiling. It made Johanna's heart flop.

"I had to park around the corner, so I'll see you tomorrow, El. Good to see you again, Johanna!" Olivia concluded as she began to walk away, giving the couple some privacy.

"You too!" Johanna called after her as Elliot waved goodbye to his partner then began walking side by side toward his car with the redhead.

"What are you doing here?" Elliot wondered. "Missed me that much already?"

"We need to talk," Johanna told him, unfazed by his teasing question.

"I don't like the sound of that," he replied honestly.

"It's not like that," she reassured him. "I was just thinking...maybe this weekend was too much."

"In what way?" Elliot's heart sank, unsure and afraid of where she was taking the conversation, despite her initial reassurance.

"It was very...formal," she answered.

They stopped walking when they approached his car.

"Get in," he told her, not wanting her to have to walk or take the subway all the way back to her apartment. "I'll drive you home, and we can keep talking."

She nodded in compliance and got in the passenger side of his car as he got in the driver's seat. When he securely pulled out of his parallel parking spot and onto the road, he continued their conversation for her. "So how was our date night too formal for you?"

"It just was. It was too much. But it was just as much my fault as it was yours," she told him, not trying to place blame. "I mean, I cooked breakfast and everything."

He was confused. "So what? You're saying I shouldn't have stayed the night? I just didn't want to make it seem like I got what I wanted and was done with you for the night."

"I know," she sighed. "It's just that we went on such an official date, then we had sex, and I'm glad you stayed the night, but then we spent so much time together the next day, and-"

"You seemed to be enjoying yourself," he retorted.

"I was," she relented. "I'm not blaming you. But looking back, it was a little too much all at once."

Elliot took a deep breath, growing increasingly frustrated with the girl beside him. Typically, when dealing with Kathy, he would bite his tongue and choose not to argue with anything she said, letting his anger build up, but he remembered that this young woman was not his ex-wife, and that he was not willing to play any games with her like he did with Kathy. He was going to be open and honest with her, just like she was trying to be with him.

"You know what?" Elliot rhetorically asked. "I don't do this kind of crap. I don't play this game where we sleep together and hang out and have fun, but act like it's nothing serious."

"I knew this was going to happen." Johanna shook her head. "You were married for fifteen years. Commitment is all you know."

"And detachment is all you know," he spat back.

They sat in silence for a moment, trying to take in the fact that they both had a point. Elliot felt bad for getting so irritated with Johanna when she was only being open and honest with him like they had agreed to do from the beginning.

"You're right," Johanna surrendered. "Detachment **is** all I know."

"I know you have your reasons as to why you push people away," he said. "And I get it. It's terrifying to think about becoming dependent on someone when you've only been disappointed in the past. But I'm not going to let you push me away."

She didn't reply, feeling very conflicted about what she wanted to say next.

"I'm not going to hold back with you," Elliot continued. "And I don't want you to hold back with me."

"I don't know how to date," she reminded him.

"That's bullshit," he called her out. "You cooked breakfast for me and snuggled with me on the couch after we had sex. You brought me Chinese food when you knew I hadn't eaten all day. You didn't hesitate to save me when I needed your help with that little autistic boy. You know damn well how to date. You just use that as an excuse to run away when you get scared."

She was stunned. Because everything he was saying was true. She wouldn't quite admit it to herself, but she knew deep down that it was true. And no one had bothered to figure it out or call her out on it before. Every guy she had tried to date previously would let her flee with that excuse.

"I'm not asking you to move in with me or marry me," he teased. "But let me date you. You deserve to be dated, not used."

She weighed the thought back and forth, knowing with certainty that it would be worth it, even if it ended up in shambles, but the idea of the possible shambles made her hesitant.

"Do I have to call you my boyfriend?" Johanna wondered.

"You can call me whatever you want," Elliot told her.

"Can I call you 'shithead'?" She smirked.

He smiled over at her, feeling as if he had a sudden breakthrough with her since she was already trying to lighten the mood.

"Just don't expect a lot from me, okay?" She pleaded. "It's going to take time."

"Of course," he agreed, fully understanding.

It wouldn't be the last time she tried to push him away, but she had changed his life already, and now he was ready to help change hers.


	14. Chapter 14

**Author's Note****: Just wanted to say thank you real quick to all the readers who have posted a review for this story! I love hearing what you guys think about it, and it's great motivation for me to type up the next chapters! So thank you! &***

* * *

"That is really weird!" Johanna cackled wildly as she leaned over the pool table and lined up her shot.

"Why? Lots of people are scared of birds!" Elliot defended as he watched her.

"Not grown ass men!" She teased, jabbing the white ball with her pool stick to take her shot. "You live in New York for crying out loud – there's pigeons everywhere!"

Despite Johanna's reluctance to fully let Elliot into her world, their relationship went back to normal, continuing their weekly meet-ups at their usual bar to play pool.

As the weeks passed, Elliot realized he hadn't gotten through to her as much as he originally thought, but he was pleased by the small steps they took: numerous date nights throughout the week in addition to playing pool, spending the night together at least once a week, etc. It **felt** like a typical relationship, so he surrendered to the hope that she would eventually come around.

"Whatever, I bet you're scared of something weird," Elliot insisted as he took his turn over the pool table.

"Hmm," Johanna thought.

"Oh, I know something weird you're scared of," he suggested as he looked over at her slyly.

"And what's that?" She wondered, placing her hand on her hip.

"Love," he answered as he walked around her closely. "You're afraid of love."

"Ooh." She narrowed her eyes at him. "Sick burn."

He laughed at her reaction then added, "Joking, of course."

"Ha-ha!" She spat.

Pleased with his little joke, Elliot held a smug look on his face as he watched Johanna sink the last two balls into a hole, winning the game.

She walked around Elliot closely, as he had done to her only minutes before, and leaned in to whisper in his ear. "I win."

"I let you win," he flirted. He was getting better at the whole flirting thing.

"You wish," she teased.

When she turned around to put the pool sticks up into the racks against the wall, he reached over and smacked her gently on her ass then quickly leaned back against the pool table to seem inconspicuous. She yelped and spun back around, eyeing him cautiously. He smirked at her so cutely; it made her want to melt into the floor.

Johanna couldn't help but think the man was adorable. He was rough, he was protective and proper and strong. But when he smiled at her, whether it was sweetly or smugly, it nearly made her heart combust in her chest.

She walked over to him and stood between his legs then kissed him on the lips eagerly. She pushed his lips open with her tongue and he met her tongue with his. Her hand grazed between his legs, and he jumped slightly, feeling blood rush to the area where her hands were touching him through his jeans.

She pulled away from him quickly and walked away to continue picking up the billiards supplies.

With his eyes still shut, Elliot sighed. He pushed himself off of the pool table, not acknowledging the redhead, and walked over to the bar then said something to Tommy, the bartender. Johanna watched him, confused as she was expecting his reaction to be much different. She watched as Tommy handed Elliot his credit card and a receipt, which he signed, then he walked back over to her.

Without hesitation, Elliot picked up Johanna and threw her over his shoulder. She squealed and laughed wildly as he walked out the door of the bar.

"What are you doing?!" She screeched, unable to stop laughing as the blood flowed to her head.

"Taking you home," he answered, smugly smirking.

"Are you going to have your way with me?" She wondered cutely.

"Yep," he replied simply.

"Good!" She laughed again, reaching forward and smacking Elliot's ass.

She loved the way he made her feel. She wanted so badly to let go of her inhibitions and let Elliot into her life fully, but no matter how hard she tried, something always held her back.

* * *

Johanna sat at her desk filling out the paperwork that Elliot had faxed over to her earlier. She had to fill out a few documents and prepare a write-up about her interaction with Liam Ware, the little boy with autism that she helped a few months back. Their trial was coming up soon, and they needed her to fill out the legal paperwork for court, as she was a certified professional now.

She wrote carefully about how Liam had told them certain aspects of what he saw the night of his mother's murder. It was breaking her heart all over again. She didn't know how Elliot and Olivia dealt with that kind of stuff all day every day.

She glanced up when she heard a knock on her door.

"Come in!" She hollered.

The door opened revealing Elliot, smiling goofily.

"Stabler!" Johanna smiled. "This is a pleasant surprise."

"I came to personally pick up the paperwork for the Ware trial from you," he told her as he walked into her office. "But I mostly just needed a good excuse to come see you." He leaned down and kissed her lips softly.

"I am very glad you did," she responded.

When Elliot stood up, Johanna saw Grace in the hallway with wide eyes. She pointed to Elliot and mouthed 'Is that him?'

Johanna laughed at her friend. "Grace, come meet Elliot."

"Ah, hi." Grace smiled and stuck out her hand as she walked into her friend's office. "I'm Grace."

"Elliot," he replied, shaking her hand. "Nice to meet you. I've heard a lot about you."

"I've heard a lot about you too," Grace said.

"Good things, I hope," he teased.

"Oh yeah," Grace responded with a wink.

Johanna's eyes widened as Elliot chuckled.

"Don't you have a session in a few minutes?" Johanna suggested.

"I do actually," Grace smirked then turned to leave the room. "Nice to meet you, Elliot."

"You too," he responded.

Grace took a few steps out of Johanna's office then turned around and pointed to Elliot again and mouthed 'He's so fine' while fanning herself.

Johanna laughed at her, but before Elliot could turn around and see what she was laughing at, Grace walked away quickly.

"I'm almost done with the paperwork," Johanna said, pulling Elliot's attention back to her.

"That's fine," he said as he walked over to her and stood behind her chair as she went back to writing. "No rush," he told her as he put his hand on her shoulders, massaging her lightly, looking at all the pictures and notes she had tacked up on her wall.

Some were pictures of kids, who he assumed were old or current clients. Some were pictures of her with the kids. And the notes, from what he could read, were thank you notes from parents and kids whose lives she had changed.

He was so genuinely proud to know her.

"Okay," Johanna sighed as she finished writing. "That should be good."

"Thank you," he told her as he leaned down to kiss the top of her head. "You're the best."

"I know you're probably not supposed to, but keep me updated with how the trial goes," she requested as she handed over the paperwork to him.

"I'll try my best," he responded then leaned down to kiss her again, this time on the lips. "I've gotta run these to Casey, she needs them ASAP. I'll call you later."

"Okay, bye, Stabler." She waved and watched as he turned around and walked away.

Less than a minute after Elliot had disappeared from her view, Grace popped in her doorway.

"Holy shit, Johanna," she cried. "What a freakin' hottie!"

Johanna laughed wildly. "How long have you been waiting for him to leave so you could come in here and squeal over him?"

"Ever since I pretended to have a client and left," she answered with a laugh. "But seriously."

"I know," Johanna agreed. "He's a hunk."

"He's so nice and polite, and he was so sweet to you, and wow, he's a cop, that's like insanely sexy," Grace gushed, rambling.

She had to agree with Grace – Elliot was kind of sort of the perfect man. And he was all hers.


	15. Chapter 15

"You're going to kill me one of these days, you freak," Elliot joked as he collapsed on Johanna's bed. His unclothed body glistened from beads of sweat.

Johanna laughed as she stood up and walked into the bathroom that connected to her bedroom. "What's wrong, grandpa? Can't keep up?"

"Very funny," he retorted as he watched the girl's flawless naked body stand in front of the sink, brushing her teeth to rid her mouth of his juices.

The two yet again had mind-blowing Sunday-morning sex, which exhausted Elliot's body. He was used to very minimal sexual activity, 30-minute sex in the missionary position: his ex-wife's demands. But Johanna would go for over an hour, in so many different positions, moving in ways Elliot didn't think was possible.

He watched her womanly figure carefully, examining all of her curves and features. He couldn't help but compare his relationship with his ex-wife to his relationship with the redhead, but he wondered if maybe Kathy's boring ways was a result of the many nights she spent alone taking care of their four children while Elliot worked. Of course she didn't want to have wild sex with him on the rare nights that he was home before she fell asleep. He wondered if Kathy would have Joanna-esque qualities if they hadn't had children, though he could never imagine a life without his kids.

"What are you doing today?" He wondered as the girl rinsed the toothpaste out of her mouth.

"You mean besides you?" She smirked as she stood in the doorway of the bathroom, drying her hands with a blue towel and eyeing the naked body on her bed.

Though he tried to fight it, a smile crept onto Elliot's face as his own eyes scanned the naked body in front of him. "Yes, besides me."

She walked over to the calendar on her wall and pointed to the current day on the open month of March.

"Mail monthly reports, pick up clothes from the dry cleaner," she read aloud with her back to Elliot, giving him full view of her bare ass. "Print out and laminate new therapy cards and-"

Her heart stopped in her chest when she read the next line she had written down: _'Pick up birth control from pharmacy.'_

"And what?" Elliot asked.

Johanna felt like she couldn't breathe. If she had to pick up her new pack of birth control from the pharmacy that day, that meant she should currently be on her period. And she wasn't.

In an attempt to play off the abrupt weirdness, she smiled and glanced over her shoulder then replied, "And bang Elliot's brains out."

"Well you can check one of those things off your list," he teased as he smiled at her.

She laughed slightly, trying to shake off the sudden realization, but she was panicking. Her mind was racing at a million miles a minute. She should've started her period days ago – how could she not notice how late her cycle was?

As she climbed back into bed, she tried to convince herself that there was no way she could be pregnant. She just couldn't be. She took her pill regularly, and Elliot didn't always release inside of her.

Regardless, she was not prepared to be pregnant again. She would not be able to handle it. Last time she was pregnant, her life spiraled down the drain, and she was finally climbing out of the gutters – she would _not_ allow that to happen again.

She had to find out for sure.

The next morning, Johanna picked up a pregnancy test, and when she arrived at work, she grabbed Grace and dragged her into the bathroom to be her support as she peed on the little white stick.

Time moved slowly – almost standing still. The white walls of the bathroom were either expanding or closing in - Johanna was so dizzy she wasn't sure which one it was.

She stared at the plastic stick on the bathroom counter as she leaned against the wall to steady herself. That stupid, life-altering, sickening, baby-confirmation stick that might possibly ruin her life.

"You look like you're going to throw up," Grace commented as she leaned against the bathroom wall in their workplace next to her friend, who was turning greener by the second.

"I feel like I'm going to," Johanna responded pitifully.

"Nerves or morning sickness?" Grace joked with a nervous laugh.

Johanna glared at her sternly. "Not funny."

"Sorry," Grace apologized. "Just trying to lighten the mood."

Johanna sighed. "What am I going to do?"

"You may not have to do anything," Grace reminded her. "You don't know yet."

"I can't even properly _date_ Elliot," Johanna continued, ignoring Grace's reminder. "How am I going to have a baby with him?!"

"Stop it," Grace interjected sympathetically. "Wait till you find out for sure before you lose your shit."

"You're right," Johanna sighed.

They grew quiet as the minutes gradually passed.

"It's been three minutes," Grace stated.

"I can't look," Johanna told her, covering her face with her hands. "You do it."

Grace nodded and took a few steps toward the counter. She glanced down at it but didn't react.

"Two pink lines mean you're pregnant? One means you're not?" Grace wondered.

"Right," Johanna answered, removing her hands from her face.

Grace stared at the test but didn't say anything.

"Well?" Johanna pressed.

"I-I can't tell," Grace shrugged her shoulders.

"What?" Johanna pushed herself off the wall and walked over the counter beside Grace.

"Look." Grace pointed. "There's another pink line, but barely."

Johanna focused on the pregnancy test intently. Grace was right – there was another pink line but it was very faint.

"Does it say anything in the directions about faint pink lines?" Grace asked.

Johanna picked up the box and reread the back of it for the fiftieth time that morning. "No, nothing. Damnit, I knew I should've gotten the test that said 'YES' or 'NO' in actual, exact words."

"So what now?" Grace wondered.

"I'm pretty sure even a faint pink line means I'm pregnant. But I have to go to the doctor and find out for sure," Johanna told her. "This is killing me."

"You need to talk to Elliot," Grace suggested. "It might make you feel better."

"How would that make me feel better?" Johanna wondered.

"Because," her friend responded. "Maybe he'll be excited, he's crazy about you, and besides, doesn't he have like four kids already?"

"Yeah, with his wife when he was married to her for fifteen years! Not with a girl he's been sleeping with for a few months who can't commit to shit!" Johanna spat.

"Just go talk to him," Grace reiterated. "Maybe he'll freak out, maybe he won't, I don't know, but I do know that you two need to talk about this before anything else happens. He would want to know."

Grace thought about Johanna's past experiences, and she knew that if she didn't tell Elliot soon, she most likely would run off and terminate the pregnancy, and he would be left having no idea of his fifth child.

* * *

Johanna paced back and forth across Elliot's porch, visibly freaking out. She was waiting for him to arrive home from work, but if he didn't pull up soon, she was going to bolt. She avoided things that scared her, and the idea of having to tell Elliot she was pregnant didn't just scare her – it terrified her.

She knew he wouldn't take the news as good news. Maybe he wouldn't treat it as bad news, but he wouldn't be happy about it. But because he was a good family man, she knew he wouldn't walk away. He'd stay and help her with the baby, but it would be out of obligation, not out of desire to actually be a family.

Just as she turned around to run for her life, Elliot's car pulled up and parked on the road in front of his house.

"Hey you," Elliot greeted with a genuine smile as he got out of his car, holding his mail in his hands.

Johanna smiled softly in response, knowing if she opened her mouth, she would only be able to blurt her news. Her heart melted. She wasn't ready to ruin Elliot's life or make his sweet smile to falter. She didn't want to dim the brightness in his amazing grey/green eyes.

"What are you doing here?" He wondered as he sauntered up the walkway. He noticed a slightly panicked expression on her face. "You okay?"

She nodded, still not able to speak, as he approached her. He placed a soft kiss on her lips; she had to force herself to kiss him back.

"Come in." He motioned for her to follow him inside his house, and she did.

She followed him all the way into the kitchen, watching as Elliot began to shuffle through his mail.

"What brings you out here?" He wondered, reading the papers in his hands.

"I'm pregnant," Johanna blurted. _Word vomit_, she thought to herself.

The mail fell from Elliot's limp hands as he looked up at her in disbelief. Disbelief was right – he scanned her face waiting for her to crack and laugh and admit that she was joking. But she didn't.

To her, his look said it all. She had just singlehandedly ruined everything.


	16. Chapter 16

Elliot's confused greyish green eyes stared into Johanna's scared dark green ones. It was silent throughout his house, only their frantic breathing could be heard.

"You're what?" Elliot asked, as he stood frozen in his kitchen.

"I'm pregnant," Johanna repeated. The words left a foul taste behind as they escaped her mouth.

His face held a baffled expression; hers just remained scared.

"Are you sure?" He questioned.

"The pink line was pretty faint, but it was there," she explained. "Could be a false positive, I guess. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow at noon to make sure."

Elliot nodded, but he wasn't sure why.

"We never discussed what we would do if this happened," Johanna stated. "I never really even worried about it happening."

"Me either. Pretty irresponsible on our part," he sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "I guess we were living too much in the moment."

He partially blamed Johanna for that. He didn't live like that until she came along. Though it takes two to make a baby, he couldn't help but blame their impulsive behaviors on her.

"Let's just wait and see what the doctor says tomorrow, okay?" He suggested. "And if you're not pregnant, we'll just have to make sure to keep condoms around."

"Elliot..." Johanna took a deep breath. "I don't want to have a baby. I don't want to have _this_ baby."

He narrowed his eyes at her. "What are you saying?"

"I can't be pregnant again," she continued.

"You can't be or you don't want to be?" He retorted.

She frowned. "You know why."

"You're not killing this baby," he told her plainly.

She swallowed hard when she felt a lump in her throat. "Elliot, I can't do this."

"No." He shook his head. "I'm not letting you kill this baby. This isn't some serious relationship you can run from. This is a child."

Tears began to well up in her eyes. Elliot's tense body relaxed when he realized how greatly he was upsetting her.

"Let's just see what happens tomorrow," he eased up.

She nodded as a stray tear fell down her cheek. "I have to go. I'll call you tomorrow when I find out."

She turned around and walked quickly to the door as tears began to fall down her face. She didn't want him to see her cry.

"Jo, wait," Elliot called after her.

Johanna shook her head as she opened his door and quickly shuffled down the stairs. "It's okay, I'll call you tomorrow," she yelled back at him.

He sighed and watched as she hurried down the icy sidewalk, away from his house. He could tell she was crying and trying to hide it.

It pained him to see her so upset. He prayed she wouldn't do anything drastic without talking to him first. He knew she didn't want to have a baby. Hell, he didn't **want** to have another baby either. But it was his child, his child he created with Johanna, and he certainly didn't want to get rid of it.

He thought for a moment about what they would do if they had a baby. Would they stay together and raise the child? Or would Johanna break up with him and run away from such a strong commitment like a family? He couldn't raise a baby on his own. Or could he?

He was angry that Johanna had bolted before helping him answer all the questions he had running through his mind. He knew she probably had the same questions running through hers.

For the rest of the night, he tried to independently find potential answers to all his frenzied questions.

* * *

Johanna sat on her couch in silence, clutching her cell phone tightly in her hand, waiting for the imminent phone call from the doctor with the results of her pregnancy test.

Dark circles lined her eyes due to the fact that she slept very little the night before after storming out of Elliot's house. She was up all night thinking about how much her life would change if she had a baby.

Initially, she had planned on making an appointment to terminate the pregnancy when the doctor called with her results, but now she didn't think she would. She couldn't do that to Elliot. And that made her angry. She would've never thought twice about getting an abortion before, but she couldn't fathom upsetting Elliot like that, and she was angry that she let him get close enough to sway her decisions like that.

_This, right here, is why I don't get close to people_, she thought to herself. She was prepared, regardless of the test results, to distance herself from Elliot for a while. She wasn't sure if she wanted to break up with him or not, but she knew she had to create some space between them.

A knock on her door snapped her out of her thoughts. She figured it was her landlord there to collect the rent, but when she opened the door, she was surprised to see Elliot standing in front of her.

"Stabler, wha-"

He cut her off by grabbing her by her arms and pressing his lips to hers firmly. The two stumbled through her door, which Elliot kicked shut behind him. Her entire body relaxed, as it often did when she was in Elliot's arms. He poured so much emotion into the kiss, letting every emotion he felt flow through, until he broke away from her.

"Johanna, listen to me," he demanded, dropping his hands from her arms. "I know you're scared to have this baby, okay? I know that last time you were pregnant, you were dating some asshole whose affair was disrupted because you found out you were having his baby. And I know it all ended badly and I know you're traumatized from it. I **know** that. But that's not me, okay? I'm not some asshole, I'm not having an affair, and I'm not bothered by this pregnancy."

She watched him intently as he rattled on, full of so much emotion. If she hadn't been scared out of her mind, she would've thought he was adorable.

"I want this baby. It's a part of me and a part of you, and we can make this work," he told her. "Even if we're not married, we can make this work. It goes against everything I grew up believing in, but we can make this work, no matter how unorthodox it is."

Johanna couldn't speak. If she opened her mouth, she knew she would cry. Elliot's words meant so much to her, but she had just convinced herself to stay away from him. And here he was, doing everything perfectly right, saying everything she secretly wanted to hear.

"And even if you end up leaving me, I want this child. I'll raise it on my own if I have to. If you really don't anything to do with it, that's fine," he stated. "Just please, _please_ don't kill my baby."

He took a deep breath, trying to gauge Johanna's reaction, but she maintained a blank, scared stare with tears welling up in her red eyes.

The phone in her hand vibrated and rang loudly, making her jump a little. She glanced down at the caller ID, sniffling as a few tears escaped down her cheeks.

"It's the doctor," she told him.

He nodded and his stomach knotted up.

"Hello?" Johanna answered. "Yes, this is Johanna."

Elliot could hear the faint mumbling of the doctor on the other end of the phone.

"Okay, are you sure?" Johanna asked.

More mumbling.

"Okay, thank you, Dr. Griffin," she sighed as she pulled the phone away from her face and hung up.

She looked up at Elliot; more tears fell from her eyes freely.

"I'm not pregnant," she told him, sniffling.

A huge wave of relief washed over him. The weight that once rested on Johanna's shoulders heavily was gone. The rigid worried wrinkles in their faces relaxed smoothly.

"Why are you crying?" He wondered.

"Because I don't deserve you," she sobbed.

"What?" He pressed as he wrapped his arms around her. "What are you talking about?"

"What you just said was so sweet and so perfect, and you're so sweet and so perfect," Johanna cried as she nuzzled into his chest. "And I can't believe I wanted to kill our baby."

"Shh," Elliot cooed as he hugged her. "It's okay, sweetheart, you were just scared."

"I didn't even want a baby, but after you said all that, I felt like I actually _wanted_ a baby," she continued. "You're just so great to me, and I'm such a childish mess."

He rubbed her back gently, trying to soothe her.

"I wasn't going to do it," she admitted. "I wasn't going to get an abortion. I wanted to, but I wasn't going to upset you like that."

He kissed the top of her head lovingly. "Thank you."

She looked up at him, feeling overwhelmed with emotion. He looked at her and softly smiled, and she realized she didn't want to distance herself from Elliot at all. She finally realized that she wanted him in her life; she needed him in her life. She realized that if she didn't stop thinking so selfishly and close-mindedly, that one day he might move on and find someone who fully appreciates him and who willingly takes his opinion and feelings into consideration – someone who wouldn't dare to even _think_ about aborting his child.

She couldn't snap her fingers and open her heart like a book, but she promised herself, as Elliot's lips came crashing down onto hers, that she would try her damnedest to completely let him in. He deserved that from her.


	17. Chapter 17

Elliot sat at his desk the next morning, reading through the autopsy papers for a young victim that the medical examiner, Melinda Warner, had faxed to him a few minutes earlier. His eyes were heavy and his mind was elsewhere. The medical terminology seemed like nothing but jargon to him.

"Well you look like hell," Olivia teased as she walked into the precinct.

He looked up from his desk as his partner sat down at her own desk across from him. His bloodshot eyes burned.

"I didn't sleep well last night," he told her simply.

"Girlfriend keeping you up?" She wondered with raised eyebrows.

"Yeah," he sighed. "But not in that way."

"No?" She questioned, looking through the notes left on her desk.

"We had a, uh, pregnancy scare," he said quietly, not wanting others to hear him.

Olivia's eyes widened as she looked back up at Elliot. "Just a scare?"

"Yeah," he answered. "False positive, she's not pregnant."

"You'd think after four kids, you'd be more careful with your super swimmers," she joked, unable to gauge his reaction on the topic.

"You'd think," he nodded.

"I can't really tell how you feel about it," she said.

"Me either," he responded.

"Why not?"

He sighed, not really wanting to talk about it, but knowing he needed to confide in someone. That someone was always Olivia, so he took the opportunity available to him at the moment.

"I just felt conflicted about it," he told her softly. "She **really** did not want to have a baby, and I was terrified as hell too, but then a part of me kind of wanted another kid. And it would've solidified our relationship."

"How so?" She pressed.

"Well, we would've either had to get serious about it or break up – something definite and certain. None of this vague indefinable shit like we're doing now," he answered.

"Well, I mean, did Johanna break up with you or is she sticking around?" Olivia asked.

"She's sticking around – why?"

"Sounds pretty definite to me," she said.

"What makes you say that?" He wondered.

"Hello," she cried obviously. "She didn't run like hell after a pregnancy scare. That doesn't mean she doesn't want to have a baby with you ever – it just means she doesn't want to have a baby with you _right now_. If she didn't ever want to have a baby with you, she would've bolted. So I'm thinking she's on the 'definite' side of the fence."

Elliot paused for a moment, looking at his best friend and partner, then said, "Huh. You're right."

"Of course I am," she laughed.

"Thanks, Liv," he sighed. "I feel a lot better now actually."

"You're welcome," she replied. "Just watch that freakishly fast sperm of yours."

Elliot chuckled as Olivia smiled at him, appreciative that he trusted her with the topic enough to share his feelings about it. She understood where he was coming from; her partner had a kind soul and a gentle heart. And she was just glad she could help him.

* * *

"You son of a bitch!" Elliot spat as he shoved the disgusting man into the wall of the interrogation room angrily. "You raped and killed your own little girl! You were supposed to protect her!"

"You don't have any proof, pig!" The man, named David Bardwell, teased back with his cheek pressed against the cold painted bricks.

With a death grip on Bardwell's shirt, Elliot pulled him back then slammed him back into the brick wall, leaving a slight cut on his cheek, making the man laugh maniacally.

"Elliot!" Olivia called as she hurried into the room. "Elliot, that's enough, that's enough!" She tried to pull her partner off the man.

Hearing the rather calming voice of his partner, Elliot relaxed, letting go of the man's collar then backing away slowly, guided by Olivia, who was glaring at the man.

"You'll pay for this," Bardwell threatened as he sat back down in the metal chair, smirking. "I'll make you pay."

"Sit. We'll be right back," she told him as she walked out the door with Elliot.

"That son of a bitch did it, Liv; I know he did," Elliot insisted, still worked up from the incident, as they stood next to Casey, who was standing outside the interrogation room as well.

"Unfortunately, he's right though, Elliot. We only have our inkling suspicion; no physical evidence," Casey sighed. "We have to let him go until we build up enough of a case against him."

"I'm not letting him out of here. He's got three other daughters at home – I don't trust him with them," Elliot protested.

Casey sighed again, her thoughts reeling with ideas of how to hold the man until they could work up enough of a case. "I'll try to come up with something. Olivia, take a shot at him. Elliot, take a break, please."

"I'm fine," he insisted.

"Take a break," Casey demanded again. "He'll end up being able to press charges against you instead of the other way around if you don't calm down."

"I got him, El," Olivia assured him, as she entered the room to take her partner's place.

Casey patted Elliot on the back gently. "I know you've got daughters, it's hard not to get worked up."

Elliot just nodded as he watched Olivia talk to the man, trying to intimidate him.

David Bardwell had played them and played them good. He sent the detectives on a wild goose chase for the rapist and killer of his precious daughter. He seemed quite distraught at first, but after throwing out all of his daughter's belongings only a week after her death, Elliot and Olivia became suspicious. And when he tried to assault Elliot when they approached him outside his home, they brought him in for questioning where they saw an alarming new side of him. Though they had no physical evidence connecting him to the crime yet, his behavior was enough to convince the team of his actions.

"Elliot, can I see you in my office for a minute?" Don Cragen requested as he poked his head around the corner.

"Sure," Elliot sighed, knowing he was about to be reprimanded for his outburst a few moments earlier.

Casey gave him a knowing and sympathetic glance as he walked away from her and toward the Captain's office.

"Have a seat," Don insisted as he sat down at his own desk.

Elliot sat across from him. "I lost it, I'm sorry, Cap."

"I know," Don said. "I think the man is just as guilty as you do."

"So then what's this about?" Elliot wondered.

"IAB has been watching you closely, Elliot," Don informed. "They've been hinting to me that you've been working too much and that it's taking a toll on your mental health."

Elliot scoffed and rolled his eyes.

"I don't agree with it either, but it doesn't matter what I think. They aren't going to be happy when they find out about you slamming Bardwell against the wall like that."

"So what?" Elliot shrugged. "They'll fire me?"

"They've been wanting you to take a leave of absence," Don informed him bluntly. "I've been able to put it off, but this little mishap with Bardwell might be enough to convince them you need one."

Elliot paused then shook his head. "No way. I'm not doing it."

"Look, you've got two weeks of paid vacation built up for the year that you haven't used a minute of yet," Don said. "I can't make you take it, but if IAB comes to me wanting you to take a leave of absence, I can defend that you agree you've been working too much, so you're using your PTO to take a break, and they won't mandate a leave of absence."

"But I'm basically taking a leave of absence anyway?"

"You deserve a break, Elliot," Don insisted. "This way, IAB is happy, you can enjoy a well-deserved break, _and_ you avoid all the paperwork and a mandated leave of absence on your record."

Elliot sighed and rubbed his neck, knowing that his Captain was technically right. If he cared about keeping his job, which he did, he would have to comply. "Can I at least wait until we nail Bardwell to this case?"

Don chuckled at the intense dedication the detective had for his cases. "Sure."

"Okay," Elliot relented as he stood from his chair. "I'll do it."

Don nodded, and watched as Elliot stood from his chair and walked over to the door.

When he opened the door he turned back to his captain and said, "Thanks, Cap. You know, for not making me take leave."

"Just promise me you'll take a real vacation and just relax those two weeks," Don instructed.

"Yeah," Elliot nodded. "You got it."

He walked out of the Captain's office, appreciative of his boss having his back like that, but disappointed – he was afraid he was going to go stir crazy if he was away from his job for two weeks.

* * *

Elliot met Johanna at the bar that night to commence their usual Thursday night of pool. His tie was loose around his neck and his shirt was unkempt and slightly unbuttoned – he seemed a little more ragged than usual; his day had been stressful and exhausting. After his meeting with his Captain, he spent the rest of the day with Olivia and Casey, trying to build a case against Bardwell. Their attempts were unsuccessful and they had no choice but to let Bardwell go home to his daughters, but they weren't giving up.

"We don't have to keep playing," Johanna insisted when they finished their second game of pool, noticing how tired and quiet Elliot had been all night.

"One more round," he protested. "It keeps my mind busy."

"What's going on?" She wondered as he set up the pool table for a new game.

"Internal Affairs told my Captain they want me to take a leave of absence because they think I'm working too much; they think it's making me lash out, which is ridiculous," Elliot explained, though he knew deep down that they were right. "I've got two weeks of paid time off that I haven't touched yet, so Cap suggested I take it soon to make IAB back off."

"Honestly, Elliot," Johanna replied as she watched him take the first turn. "I think it's a good idea. I know you love staying busy with work, but you deserve a good break. And it's better than having to take a leave of absence."

"I guess," he shrugged. "I just don't know what I'm going to do for those two weeks."

"Let's go somewhere!" She suggested, leaning across the pool table to take her turn. "Let's go on a real vacation."

He was surprised that she was insinuating they go on a trip together, like a real couple, but he was pleased by it. He noticed that after her dramatic pregnancy scare a few weeks ago she really seemed like she was coming around to the idea of being in a real relationship. "Where? Like the beach?" He asked.

"If you want," she responded.

"I don't even know of any good beaches to go to," he admitted, taking his turn. "The beaches around here aren't great."

"If you're up for flying, the beaches in Florida are to die for," she told him. "I went once as a kid – that's probably my best childhood memory. White sand, blue water, it's gorgeous."

"I'll go wherever you want to go," he said sweetly.

She smiled at his response then took her turn. "Let's do it then. I'll start looking everything up tomorrow if you want."

"Yeah, I'm clearly not good at planning trips," he chuckled.

"When do you want to go?" She asked.

"Cap told me I could wait until we finish this case, so let's shoot for a month from now? Early May?" He suggested, seeking her approval.

"Perfect," she agreed. "I hear it's not too crowded then."

He smiled, feeling much more relaxed and excited about his forced vacation. He was expecting to be stuck inside his house, losing his mind for two weeks. But the thought of being on pearly white beaches with his gorgeous girlfriend made him feel euphoric.

He couldn't wait.


	18. Chapter 18

The sparkling blue water crashed against the flawless white Florida beach. Johanna giggled as she held a small piece of bread up in the air for the flying seagulls to take out of her hand. She held her floppy beach hat to her head with her free hand due to the gently blowing breeze that blew her dark red hair off her shoulders. Her green bikini flattered her body perfectly, showing off her feminine curves.

Elliot watched the girl from a distance as he sat on the oversized beach towel in blue knee-length swim shorts. He took a mental picture of the scene, as he had done many times on their trip so far, wanting to remember the moment forever – her laugh, her body, her hair blowing in the wind, and the immaculate environment she was surrounded by.

He'll never forget the first time he stepped onto the pearly beach three days prior. It was as pristine as Johanna said it would be. The sand was so fine and white, and the water was so clear and so blue. The sky was clear, the sun was warm, and the birds were flying high. He was stunned at the beauty. It was like a painting or something straight out of a movie.

Through her planning, Johanna managed to rent them a condo directly on the beach, with a perfect view of shore from their balcony and bedroom window. Only a couple flights of stairs separated them from the sand each morning. And he was elated.

Despite the fact that they were never able to nail David Bardwell to the rape and murder of his daughter before he left (though Olivia promised to keep trying while he was on vacation), Elliot was having the time of his life. He was so relaxed and at ease, he couldn't even **make **himself worry about anything.

And having the gorgeous redhead by his side made the trip impeccable.

Elliot watched as Johanna stood a few yards away from him on the edge of the shore, the waves crashing over her feet. A small boy, no older than a year and stumbling as if he just learned to walk, staggered toward the waves beside Johanna, seemingly alone. Elliot's fatherly instincts kicked in when he felt concern in his stomach, knowing what would happen next.

The waves crashed strongly against the shore, knocking the small toddler in its path on his rear end. Johanna noticed the child beside her just as the water rushed over him. Swiftly, she bent down and scooped the boy up in her arms, examining him to make sure he was okay. The boy just laughed, not realizing the danger he was almost in.

"That was a close one, huh?" Johanna cooed in a high-pitched voice as she turned around, looking for the child's mother, who was rushing toward her panicking, with the little boy's sister following closely behind her.

"Oh my god, thank you for grabbing him!" His mom screeched as she approached Johanna, taking the baby from her arms. "He just learned to walk and I'm still not used to him being able to get away from me so quickly!"

"It's okay," Johanna laughed. "They're quick when they're this little, huh?"

"You have no idea," the mom replied. "Thank you again."

"No problem. He was a trooper," Johanna reassured as the mom smiled then headed back toward where their umbrella was set up.

The sister, who was probably around five, looked up at the redhead. "I'm Katie."

"Hi, Katie. I'm Johanna," she replied as she bent down and shook the little girl's hand.

Elliot watched as Johanna talked to the little girl and laughed when the waves splashed up on their legs. He thought about what Olivia had said to him a few weeks earlier about Johanna sticking around despite the pregnancy scare. He already knew she was great with children, but he felt warm inside seeing her interact so well with kids after considering the thought of having a baby with her. He adored seeing her motherly instincts in action.

Her green eyes lit up dramatically as she responded to the silly story the little girl was telling her as they braced the oncoming waves. She smiled wide, making Elliot's heart race. He wondered if one day he'd be watching as she talked to their own child, or even one of his, on the beach like that. He took another mental picture, wanting to remember how Johanna effortless was with the child at that moment. She was stunning.

When the little girl's mother called her back over to their umbrella, she waved and said goodbye to Johanna then darted off in the appropriate direction.

Johanna could barely sit still on the beach, unlike Elliot. He wanted to sit back and enjoy the sights and sounds, not having to move or think. But she was constantly on the go. To her, memories were made when things were actively being done. Mental pictures weren't enough. She wanted to see, smell, hear, feel, and experience. And though he wanted to enjoy his vacation, he wanted her to enjoy hers more. He wanted to make their trip as much fun for her as she had made it for him.

"Let's go swim in the gulf," Johanna suggested, smiling wildly, as she waltzed back over to Elliot. Their trip seemed to put a permanent smile on her face; she **was** enjoying their trip as much as he was.

"I'll race ya," he smirked as he jumped up and darted off toward the water, adding to the movement that made memories for her.

"Hey!" She called as she took off after him with a laugh. "Not fair!" Her hat blew off in the wind, but she didn't care. She didn't care about anything when she was on the beach with him.

She managed to catch up to him enough to jump onto his back as his feet hit the water, splashing it around. He laughed as he ran deeper into the water then ducked, sending both of them under the surface.

Johanna jumped up with a gasp and brushed her wet hair out of her eyes. Elliot emerged from the water smiling.

"Jerk!" She teased as she splashed droplets of water at his face.

He smiled and reached forward, pulling the girl to him and kissing her lips.

"I just wanted to get you wet," he teased and smirked slyly when he pulled out of the kiss.

She winked at him cutely. "You think that little innuendo was clever, huh?"

He nodded, still smirking, and guided her to his back, where she wrapped her arms around his neck to hold herself up as he treaded deeper into the water, above Johanna's height level.

With her on his back, Elliot stood out in the blue water that looked as if it never ended. It was breathtaking to see where the gulf met the sky with the waves moving around them.

"I just want to stay here forever," she sighed as she kissed his ear.

"Me too," he replied, agreeing fully with her statement. He didn't know life could be that good. He hadn't been on a proper vacation in years, nor did he ever feel so relaxed. He owed it all to Johanna, his little miracle worker.

She changed his life in the best way possible; he could finally admit it. Despite his initial hesitation, being wary of the first girl he dated since his divorce, he hadn't been so happy in years. All because of Johanna.

"Thank you," Elliot said simply.

"For what?" She wondered.

"For this trip," he answered. "For everything. You've done more for me than you know."

"Right back at ya, cutie," she told him with a smile that he could barely see out of his peripheral vision. "I don't think you realize how much you've done for me, too."

"Everything about this is perfect," he sighed.

* * *

Later that night, Elliot sat shirtless in an oversized chair on the balcony, only grey sweatpants hugging his hips, as he listened to the waves crash against the shore. Johanna had fallen asleep hours earlier; she was exhausted after they had made love for the third time that day. It was as if they couldn't keep their hands off of each other on their trip – morning sex, afternoon sex, evening sex.

Though it was dark outside, Elliot could make out the white foam of the calm waves under the moonlight. It was comforting and relaxing; he felt as if he could sit there all night.

He thought about their trip, reminiscing on all the fun things they had done so far. He never imagined he'd go parasailing through the Florida sky 500 feet above the surface of the gulf, able to see gorgeous sights for miles around him. He couldn't ever remember having as much fun as he did when they rented jet skis and rode the waves, seeing dolphins flip through the air only a few yards from them. He thought those kinds of things only happened in movies.

Then he thought about his kids – he would've loved to have his kids with him. Dickie and Lizzie would be having a blast, wanting him to build sand castles with them and playing in the waves. Maureen would probably be tanning and keeping an eye out for cute boys her age. Kathleen would want to be doing whatever her older sister was doing, even if she wasn't exactly interested in tanning or boys just yet.

He knew his kids would love Johanna, and he clearly knew she was great with kids, too. Lately, he had urges to bring his kids around her, wanting her to meet them, wanting them to get to know her.

Because Elliot wanted Johanna around for the rest of his life.

He swallowed hard as he acknowledged the nagging question that had been lurking in the back of his mind for weeks: Was he falling in love with her?

She was the first woman he had even attempted to get to know after his divorce, so he prayed to be able to tell the difference between a lustful rebound and a real companion that he truly loved. But after more than eight months of knowing the girl, he was still consistently amazed and enthralled by her. And this trip only intensified those feelings.

He couldn't stop thinking about her. Ever.

"What are you doing out here?"

Elliot glanced over his shoulder to see a sleepy Johanna walk out onto the balcony in only cheeky pink panties and his white t-shirt that swallowed her small body. It was the cutest thing he'd ever seen.

"Just listening to the waves, thinking," he told her.

She walked over to him and sat in his lap, looking out across the beach, barely able to make out where the waves were crashing due to the darkness and her tired eyes.

"What are you thinking about?" She asked sleepily.

"My kids," he answered. "They would be having so much fun here." He reached up her shirt and began to scratch her back lightly, something he knew she loved, especially when she was sleepy.

"We should've brought them," she said with a yawn, loving Elliot's hands on her.

"Really?" He wondered as he dragged his nails up and down her back. Wanting to meet his kids was a pretty huge step that he wasn't expecting her to want to take for a while. "Are you still asleep or something?"

"No," she chuckled slightly. "I wouldn't have minded if we brought them with us. It would've been nice to meet them and spend time with them. Plus I know how much you miss them all the time."

Elliot was starting to wonder what was wrong with Johanna – because surely there had to be **something** wrong with her, right? Well, if there was, he couldn't find it. He couldn't see_ anything_ wrong with her. She was literally flawless in his eyes, and she only seemed to keep getting better and better.

She was opening up to him too, finally. They were getting closer and their relationship was getting stronger and more serious by the day.

Johanna laid back against his chest tiredly, leaning her head to the side, resting it against his cheek. He wrapped his arms around her waist under her soft t-shirt and his thumb mindlessly caressed the soft, warm skin of her stomach.

"You're my favorite thing about life," she mumbled tiredly.

Elliot's heart ached at the sweet girl in his arms. He leaned slightly and kissed her on the side of her forehead lovingly. He kissed her a couple more times sweetly as an overwhelming feeling took over his body.

Elliot took another mental picture, wanting to remember that exact moment for the rest of his life. Because that was when he realized he **was**, in fact, in love with Johanna Rowan.


	19. Chapter 19

"Elliot!" Casey called, standing next to Olivia's desk, as the newly tan detective walked into the precinct for his first day back after his vacation. "Welcome back!"

"Look at that great tan! How was your trip?" Olivia questioned as she sat at her desk, though she already knew, by the unwavering smile on his face, that it was a success.

"Indescribable," he answered as he approached his two female colleagues. "It was exactly what I needed."

"I'm glad," his partner smiled. "You deserved it."

"You did," Casey agreed.

"Thanks, you two," he responded, sitting down at his own desk across from them. "But I'm back now, so please, tell me you've got some good news on Bardwell."

Though Elliot was relaxed and joyful every second of his vacation, he was eager to hear updates about the case he had to abandon for a couple weeks. It was difficult to explain how certain cases made Elliot feel. He wanted all of his cases to end successfully, of course, but there were some that he would never be able to let go of until they were solved. This was one of them.

Olivia and Casey exchanged a knowing glance. Elliot's heart sank.

"Well," Casey sighed. "We've got _news_."

"But not _good_ news?" He sighed, defeated.

"I was able to convince a judge to grant us a warrant to search their house, though we really didn't have enough proper evidence – he just owed me a favor," Casey began.

"During our search, we found blood on the Bardwell's bathroom floor," Olivia continued. "It was the daughter's."

"So you arrested him?" Elliot asked.

"We tried. I brought him in for questioning again," Olivia answered. "I pissed him off, so he lawyered up. And he's got a damn good lawyer, El."

"Crap," he groaned. "What'd you do to piss him off?"

"Nothing," Olivia shrugged. "I told him he was the main suspect in his daughter's rape and murder, and he went ballistic. Screaming that he was going to make me pay. He threw his chair at me, just barely missed. I almost wish he would've taken me out with it – at least then we could have him in custody for assault on a police officer."

"I'm doing everything I can, but his lawyer bailed him out and is already trying to throw out the blood found during the search since we technically didn't have enough evidence for the warrant," Casey told him.

"So what do we do now?" Elliot wondered.

"Keep digging," Casey said. "You'll find something eventually."

"Did I miss anything else while I was gone?" He asked.

"You missed Munch and Fin chasing a pigeon around the squad room for about an hour," Olivia informed him.

Casey laughed as the memory came back to her. "They were yelling at each other like an old married couple. 'It's over there! Get it! No you get it!' No one helped them because it was just too good to interrupt."

Elliot laughed at the thought, realizing he missed his coworkers more than he anticipated. He was lucky, he knew, to be surrounded by good people who loved their jobs and did them well. And he was glad to be back with them.

* * *

Elliot's internal alarm clock woke him up just as the sun was rising, slowly sending light through the window beside him. His eyes fluttered open, adjusting to the sudden brightness. He rolled over to see Johanna's naked body just barely covered by his white comforter and her tousled dark red hair covering her face. He smiled and gently pushed the hair away from her eyes, tucking it behind her ear and revealing her peacefully sleeping face.

He watched her for a minute, adoring the fact that he was able to wake up next to the gorgeous naked woman that morning after a fun night out.

_Goddamn I love her,_ Elliot thought to himself. After realizing it a few weeks ago during their trip to Florida, there was no turning back. He loved her, he knew it, and he couldn't ignore it.

There was only one problem. He couldn't tell her. He couldn't say it to her face.

The words 'I love you' nearly escaped his lips every time he was around her. He had to profusely fight back the innocuous word vomit. He _wanted_ to tell her, badly. He wanted to scream it every time she walked into the room, and he wanted to tell everyone he met that he was madly in love with her. But he was terrified of how she would react.

He figured she probably wouldn't say it back. He knew she probably wasn't in love with him. Not yet, at least. And it didn't really bother him. He understood. But he felt like she would run for the hills if he said it before she was ready, before she felt the same way.

They had been making such great progress in their relationship lately. He felt like she was finally truly coming around to the idea of opening up to him entirely. She was spending more nights at his house, wanting him to spend more nights at hers, being very loving and sweet, especially in public, and he was absolutely terrified that he would ruin their progress and scare her away if he said that he loved her too soon.

_He_ surely didn't feel like it was too soon, but he didn't know how she felt for sure, so he just held back.

Quietly, Elliot climbed out of bed as to not wake the sleeping beauty, and made his way into the bathroom, where he stepped into the shower and ran hot water over his naked body as he washed himself.

He incessantly thought of ideas of how to determine when it would be the right time to say he loved her.

He thought that maybe he would bring his kids around her, since she admitted on their vacation that she wanted to meet them, and if all went well, he would tell her the next day.

Or maybe he would simply write her a note and hide it for her to find later so he wouldn't be around to see her reaction to his feelings.

Either way, he knew it wouldn't be long before it slipped out. He knew he wouldn't be able to keep it a secret for much longer. The feeling overwhelmed him daily.

The shower door opened behind him. He whipped his head around to see Johanna climbing in the shower behind him.

"Morning," she muttered sleepily.

"Morning, gorgeous," he replied with a smile, still looking over his shoulder.

She smiled back then hugged him from behind, letting water cascade down her body. She put her lips to his back, giving him soft butterfly kisses on his spine, which made his stomach flutter. He turned around and she stood on her tiptoes to press her lips to his. Water slid down their bodies concurrently as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders. His hands rested on her waist as he pushed his tongue in her mouth, where she willing greeted him with her own tongue.

Due to the pureness of morning, a sense of innocent passion filtered the air, mixing in with the steam from the heat of their shower, slowly fogging the glass around them.

He walked forward gradually, pushing her back up against the wall, as a familiar sensation began pulsating between her legs and a certain stiffness arose between his.

Johanna removed her arms from his shoulders and wrapped a hand around his dick; the feeling made Elliot break away from the kiss abruptly. He pressed his forehead against hers with his eyes shut, beginning to breathe heavily as she stroked his growing length.

When he was fully hard, he grabbed her face and kissed her with urgency, almost to let her know that they had to be quick, otherwise they'd both be late to work.

He cupped her butt and hoisted her up, pressing his body against hers to keep her from sliding. She wrapped her legs around his waist for more leverage and brought her arms back to his shoulders to balance herself.

He placed one hand firmly on her back to steady her and used his other hand to manually guide himself to her entrance. He pushed inside her slowly and brought his free hand to her hip to maintain control. Funnily enough, they were no longer bothered by the task of making him wear protection.

Johanna shut her eyes and softly moaned as Elliot began thrusting in and out of her tenderly. He kissed her on the neck, loving the way she tasted and smelled in the morning. The warm water droplets on her skin and the steam surrounding them from the shower made him crazy.

A wave of pleasure flooded Elliot's body when Johanna ran her hands through the back of Elliot's hair, something he adored. He quickened his pace, earning a whimper from Johanna, a signal that she was nearing her climax.

"That feel good?" He asked.

"Oh yeah," she purred, biting her bottom lip.

Her muscles tightened around him as he continued to pump into her, which only pushed him closer to his own orgasm.

Euphoria surged her body, rocking her hips as she moaned loudly. Explosions of bliss rocketed from her groin and extended to the extremities of her tense body when she came.

Merely seconds later, Elliot grunted when he felt the same ecstasy rush through him when he began to spill inside of her. He pulsated inside her, shooting deep within her, nearly shaking from the incredible feeling.

He slid out of her when he was done, and she loosened her legs to place her feet steadily on the ground. As they came down from their sexual highs, he kissed her lips softly, overwhelmed by emotion, as he often was when he made love to Johanna.

Once again, Elliot had the urge to confess his love for her.

_Oh no_, he groaned silently. _Don't. Don't say it. Not yet._

He winced and wrinkled his eyebrows, painfully trying to prevent the words from expelling from his mouth.

"What's wrong?" Johanna wondered, seeing the agonizing look on his face.

"I...I just..." He fought, but the words lingered. "I just...want to skip work and stay here with you all day."

He sighed and his face relaxed at the successful dodging.

"Aw," she cooed. "I know, babe. Me too."

As they emerged from the shower and began to dry off, Elliot thanked the voice gods for saving him from embarrassment, as he was extremely unprepared to admit his love at that moment.

But he knew, after that close call, that it wouldn't be long before the words slipped out of his mouth. And that he would have no choice but to deal with the consequences.


	20. Chapter 20

**Author's Note: Just wanted to say thanks again to all the people who have reviewed this story, especially the ones who continue to review after each chapter! It really does mean a lot to me to hear what you guys think AND what you guys want from this story!**

* * *

The precinct was buzzing that fateful morning in June – a mixture of busy detectives racing to solve their cases, phones ringing off the hook, fax machines printing evidence and files, and chatter between victims and officers. There wasn't a soul in the entire building who wasn't preoccupied that day.

That's why it was so easy for David Bardwell to sneak through the glass doors, right past the security guard who was having words with an uncooperative visitor, right up the stairs hidden away from crowds, and right into the special victims unit. No one that passed him paid him any mind because of the serene look on his face, but the emptiness in his eyes showed a soulless evil lurking within him.

His cold, dead eyes scanned the squad room as people whizzed by him, oblivious to his hidden agenda. His belt loop acted as a holster for the deadly metal piece on his hip, concealed by his jacket.

He spotted his target as she stood next to detective Tutuola's desk, discussing something seemingly serious with him. Bardwell's eyes narrowed as he lifted his hand suspiciously to his waist.

Elliot glanced up to call Olivia over to his desk when he spotted Bardwell standing still in the doorway. He noticed his hand moving to his belt, and suddenly time seemed to move very slowly. He realized the man was glaring at his partner, not even blinking, and he knew what would happen next. His heart skipped a beat then began pounding in his chest.

There wasn't enough time for him to grab his gun off of his desk to shoot Bardwell before he could shoot Olivia, so he acted impulsively.

"Liv, get down!" Elliot shouted as Bardwell quickly drew the gun from his side.

Despite not knowing what was going on, Olivia listened to her partner instinctively, always trusting whatever demand he gave to her, and fell to the floor as shots from Bardwell's gun rang throughout the station, startling every person in the building.

Everyone else hit the floor moments later as bullets began flying sporadically in all different directions, but Elliot darted to his partner, knowing she was the intended target. He crouched over her, trying to shield her as best as he could from any bullets, intentional or stray. He knew other officers would begin shooting back soon, and he didn't want her caught in the crossfire either.

All the officers in the room were caught off guard, especially because of the hectic atmosphere in the building that day, which caused nearly everyone to scramble for their misplaced guns, allowing Bardwell to shoot off nearly a full round before being stopped.

The last bullet that left the insane man's handgun pierced Elliot in the back, just as a fellow officer was able to grab his gun and shoot Bardwell in the stomach, sending him to the ground.

Elliot grunted and slouched on top of Olivia. Panic ensued throughout the precinct; the shots were heard by everyone in the building.

"El?" She backed away from him to see why he went limp, but he only slumped over on the ground. "Elliot?!"

People were rushing around, screaming, but Olivia was frozen.

Her eyes widened when she noticed crimson blood seeping from underneath Elliot's body. She choked on her own words, but managed to yell, "Bus! BUS! SOMEONE CALL A BUS!"

Fin obliged accordingly, stunned at the sight he saw in front of him.

Olivia shuffled over to her partner, lying unconscious on the ground, and pressed her fingers to his neck, only able to find a faint, slow, pulse.

"Elliot," she cried as she shrugged off her jacket and pressed it to his leaking wound, applying pressure. "Elliot, stay with me."

The blood continued to accumulate beneath him, only worsening Olivia's fears that she was quickly losing him, and that was something she knew she simply could _not_ handle.

* * *

"What's this?" Johanna asked as she held up a picture of a piano to the four-year-old client who sat in front of her.

"Thas a tiano!" The little girl exclaimed.

"Good try." Johanna smiled. "Look at my lips," she told her as she pointed to her mouth. "Puh-puh," she sputtered. "Piano."

The girl mimicked her movements and pressed her lips together then uttered, "Pi-ano!"

"That's right! Piano!" Johanna exclaimed. "Great job, Ella!"

The little girl clapped excitedly in reaction to her therapist.

"What do you want?" Johanna wondered, ready to reward the child to reinforce the proper speech habits.

"I wan a sucka!" Ella pointed to the red lollipop on the table.

Johanna reached over and handed it to her as she heard a knock on her office door. Before she could respond, the door opened and Grace poked her head in.

"Jo, you have a phone call," her friend told her.

"Just take a message; tell them I'll call them back in ten minutes when I'm done with this session," Johanna told her.

Grace shook her head. "You need to take it. It's Elliot's partner – there's been an accident." When she answered the phone a few seconds earlier, Olivia filled her in on the situation and insisted she speak to Johanna immediately.

Johanna's heart stopped as she jumped up from her chair and rushed to the phone on her desk. "What line?"

"Line two," Grace told her.

Johanna picked up the phone and pressed the button that connected her to the correct line. "Olivia?"

"Johanna," Olivia sighed as she stood at the payphone near the waiting room at the hospital. "I'm at Mercy General with Elliot – he's been shot – you need to get down here."

"Is he okay?!" Johanna screeched, needing to know his condition before anything else.

"No," Olivia shook her head. "You need to get down here."

"I'll be right there." Johanna hung up the phone and turned to the little girl at the table, feeling guilty for wanting to end their session early.

"Go! Don't worry – I'll finish with Ella," Grace said urgently. "I'll deal with the rest of your clients, just go."

"Thank you," Johanna replied as she quickly gathered her things and rushed out of her office.

She couldn't think straight as she sprinted outside and hailed a taxi, something she typically never does, and offered to pay the driver double her fare if he hurried to the hospital.

The only thing she could do was pray that Elliot would be okay, and if he wouldn't be, she prayed that she wasn't too late to say goodbye.

When she finally arrived at the hospital, she rushed to the trauma unit and found Olivia sitting in the uncomfortable blue chairs that lined the walls of the waiting room. Her hands were visibly shaking.

"Olivia!" Johanna ran over to her. "What's going on? Where is he?"

Olivia stood up quickly; she was so thankful to see Johanna. She had been waiting desperately for someone to get there to at least sit with her in this unfortunate moment. Her fellow coworkers had to stay behind to help with the mess of a crime scene and were taking forever to get to her.

"He's in surgery," Olivia responded, unsure of how to present the news to her. "They had to revive him four times in the ambulance. I don't know much else yet."

"Oh, God," Johanna groaned. "Do they think he's going to be okay?"

"I really don't know," Olivia sighed. "I don't know."

Johanna knew that Olivia would most likely remain positive and tell her that things would be okay, even if she were unsure about the outcome. So the fact that she was openly admitting that she wasn't sure if Elliot would be okay was devastating to her. She feared the worst, but continued to pray for the best.

"What happened? How was he shot?" Johanna wondered.

Olivia sat down and sighed, not wanting to admit she was the cause of the whole fiasco. "A suspect in one of our cases came into the station and just started shooting. He was aiming for me." Tears welled up in her eyes. "Elliot was shot in the back. He was shielding me; he was protecting me."

She started to feel overwhelmed at the realization that not only was the whole situation her fault, but if Elliot had not covered her like he did, she would be the one in surgery; she would've been the one needing to be revived over and over again on the way to the hospital.

Johanna sat down beside her and placed a hand comfortingly on her arm then told her, "He's going to be okay. He has to be. You know him, he's not going to give up without a fight."

Olivia nodded, clearly in a state of shock.

The two waited for hours in those horrid blue chairs for updates on Elliot's condition. Olivia wondered if she should call Kathy and the kids, but she decided to wait until they received more concrete news, not wanting to upset or worry them if he was going to be fine. She was glad she had called Johanna though. The girl was loyal to her partner, and she appreciated that, but she also valued having Johanna there with her, to grieve and understand the pain and experience with her instead of alone. She was close to Elliot too, so she knew they shared mutual feelings about the whole ordeal.

"I'm going to go get some coffee," Olivia stated as she stood up. "Want a cup?"

"Sure," Johanna answered, looking up at her with petrified eyes. "Thanks."

Johanna watched as Olivia walked away from her, suddenly feeling very alone. She felt a familiar sting in the pit of her stomach. Once again, she knew something like this would happen. For a while, she thought things would be fine. She thought maybe she had surpassed the inevitable heartbreak she received when she opened up to people and let them in her life. She went for it, because things seemed to fully be looking up. But deep down, she expected this.

She didn't imagine it would happen this way, though.

She knew Elliot was a cop, of course, and that it came with certain risks. But he was a detective; she didn't worry about him being in danger every time he went to work. If he was an active patrol cop, she would've been constantly worried about him, but she never even _thought_ that this would happen. She felt stupid for not realizing the danger he faced every day.

She felt so naïve.

Olivia returned from getting coffee just as a doctor entered the waiting room with a somber look on his face, which sunk Johanna and Olivia's hearts into their stomachs. They both silently prayed he wasn't there to deliver an update on Elliot, as it appeared it surely wouldn't be good news based on his dismal expression.

The doctor drew in a breath and asked, "Who's here for Elliot Stabler?"


	21. Chapter 21

"Who's here for Elliot Stabler?"

"We are," Olivia answered as Johanna stood up to join her in front of the doctor, anxious looks spread across both their faces.

"I'm Dr. Reed," the tall, dark-haired doctor introduced, clad in standard sterilized surgical attire. "I was one of the doctors who operated on Mr. Stabler."

"How is he?" Olivia asked.

Johanna was so thankful that Olivia was taking charge in talking to the doctor; she was so scared she couldn't speak.

"It's very touch and go right now," Dr. Reed stated, trying to maintain a poker face as doctors typically do. "The bullet missed most of his major organs but still caused quite a bit of damage, and he lost a lot of blood. The gunshot caused severe vascular damage and a pneumothorax, which is a collapsed lung. The bullet also struck his ribcage, which shattered a couple of his ribs. We were able to repair most of the damage, stop the internal bleeding, and stabilize him, but we've placed him in an induced coma for the time being, which will allow him time to heal. The injuries he sustained would cause him great pain and stress, so it's also a way to avoid him having to endure that."

"But he's going to be okay?" Olivia wondered, not worried about the medical jargon. She was glad he was alive, but she just wanted to know if he was going to ultimately be fine.

"It's a little too early to tell," he told her honestly. "He survived the surgery, but we almost lost him a few times and there was extensive internal damage, so we're going to watch him closely. He's not out of the woods just yet, but surviving the surgery is a step in the right direction, so he's off to a pretty good start."

"When can we see him?" Johanna managed to spit out.

"He's in an ICU recovery room, which is where he will probably remain until we bring him out of the coma," he responded. "You're welcome to see him whenever."

"How long do you plan to keep him in the coma?" Olivia asked.

"We're just going to play it by ear, day by day," the doctor answered. "We've done all we could do for now, so we're just going to make sure he's comfortable so he can properly heal."

"Thank you so much," Johanna sighed.

"Yes," Olivia agreed with a nod. "Thank you."

"You're certainly welcome," he replied, appreciative of their acknowledgement, as he began to walk away. "He's in room 415, fourth floor through the double doors. I'll be checking in."

"Thanks," Olivia and Johanna responded simultaneously as the doctor walked away.

"I'm going to go call the station and update everyone – go on up and see him; I'll be there in a minute," Olivia stated as she smiled and walked over to the phones, wanting to give Johanna the chance to see Elliot first on her own and wanting to check in with Fin, Munch and their captain.

Johanna's heart pounded as she got into the elevators. Everything felt surreal, like a dream, cloudy and moving in slow, jagged motions. The fact that Elliot was still alive made her believe that he would ultimately be okay, despite the doctor's uncertainty. She knew things could always take a turn for the worst, but as long as he was still breathing, she felt reassured.

When she arrived in the intensive care unit, her eyes scanned the numbers on the doors until they landed on 415. She took a deep breath and walked in.

Her eyes immediately fell on Elliot, who was lying in the hospital bed, slightly sitting upright, but fully unconscious. An oxygen tube stretched across his face, plugged into his nose and tucked behind his ears. Endless wires connected him to the machines he was surrounded by that were beeping consistently, monitoring his vitals. An IV dripped fluids into his body through a needle in his arm. His eyes were sunken in, a sign of significant blood loss and dehydration, and his skin was slightly paler than usual.

Seeing him so helpless and hurt made everything suddenly feel real to Johanna. It hit her like a ton of bricks. Tears welled up in her eyes when she realized how close she came to losing him that day. She was no longer worried about her petty issue with not wanting to get close to people. That didn't matter anymore. Her fear of heartbreak didn't matter anymore.

She was **glad** she got close to him. She thought about how pitiful her life would be if she hadn't let him in, and then if he had died, she would've never known the pleasure of having the incredible man in her life.

She stared at him, and all she could think about was how perfect he was, how selfless, caring, and brave he was; he nearly died trying to save his partner's life!

She walked over to him and gently caressed the top of his head lovingly, running her fingers through his short hair. She leaned forward then kissed him on the forehead, lingering for a moment to smell his natural scent. She was thankful she still had the privilege of being able to be comforted by his smell.

Tears fell freely from her eyes, becoming overwhelmed with emotion when she recognized a numbing truth: the day had come where she realized that she **couldn't** imagine her life without Elliot – the day where she realized she didn't **want** to live a life without him.

"I don't know if you can hear me – I don't really know how comas work – but I'm so goddamn glad you're okay," she whispered, kissing his forehead again. "I need you to stick around, okay? I need you."

She continued to stare at him adoringly, caressing his hair. She took him for granted, and she was mad at herself for it. He looked so innocent and peaceful; it made her heart ache sadly. She just wanted to see him smile again.

There was a soft knock at the door, and slowly, Olivia poked her head in the doorway.

"Hey, come in," Johanna told her.

"How is he?" Olivia asked, walking in the room and shutting the door behind her.

"He looks okay," Johanna shrugged.

Olivia walked to the other side of the bed and held Elliot's warm hand, gracious he was alive. She wasn't sure what she would've done if she had to try and work with a new partner. Elliot was her other half. She couldn't imagine trying to work alongside anyone else. "Boy, you are so lucky you didn't die trying to save me. I would have killed you."

Johanna chuckled slightly as Olivia smiled then sat down on the long couch near the bed.

"Our captain told me that the man who shot him is still alive," Olivia told the redhead. "Typically I would probably want him dead, but I'm glad he's alive so our ADA can rip him a new one in court. I'm going to make sure he rots in jail for the rest of his life."

"Please do," Johanna spat. She sat down in the chair next to her and scooted it closer to the bed where she could caress Elliot's hand and arm. She just wanted to love on him, comfort him, and ease his pain if he was feeling any. Plus she was too scared and traumatized to get too far away from him.

Olivia watched as the girl looked at Elliot with so much love in her eyes. She was so thankful her partner had this woman in his life. She knew he was in good hands with her around. She trusted her with his life.

"Did you call Kathy?" Johanna wondered. "I'm sure the kids would want to come by."

"I did, actually," Olivia told her, impressed by her concern about his ex-wife. "After I called the station. She said she would probably bring the kids by tomorrow after school."

Johanna nodded in response.

"Is it okay if I stay here for a while?" Olivia wondered. "He really scared me today."

"Of course," Johanna replied with a look that said 'duh' on her face. "Why wouldn't it be okay?"

Olivia shrugged. "I just didn't want to cross any lines. He's your boyfriend, not mine."

Johanna laughed slightly. "But he's your partner, and he was your partner long before he was my boyfriend. I should be the one making sure it's okay with _you_ that I'm here."

Olivia laughed and shook her head. "No, I'm glad you're here. I'm glad he has you. He deserves someone like you."

"Someone like me?" Johanna questioned, wanting to know more of what she meant.

"Yeah, someone vibrant like you. He was in a pretty dark place for a while after the divorce," Olivia sighed. "I can't even really describe the change I saw in him. He was very serious and negative, and he never smiled or laughed."

"Really?" Johanna asked. "I can't imagine him like that."

"He's not like that anymore," Olivia told her matter-of-factly. "Because of you. He's always happy, smiling, laughing, and joking around. He's back to his old self. Thanks to you."

Johanna's heart fluttered happily. She couldn't help but smile. She knew Elliot was a lot more carefree since she had come around, but she didn't realize she had impacted his life _that_ much. It made her so happy to know.

"Well, thanks for sharing him with me," Johanna smirked.

"Ha," Olivia retorted. "Thank _you_ for sharing him with _me_. Kathy did the opposite."

"What do you mean?"

"He never told you about how she felt about me?" Olivia wondered.

"He mentioned that she always thought you two were having an affair or something, but he doesn't talk about her much," Johanna answered. "I never wanted to push the topic if he didn't want to talk about it."

"She's just insecure. She was always threatened by me, which is so ridiculous. It made him feel so torn, obligated to his job and to me but still obligated to his family. That's when I really noticed how much he had changed. He just seemed so sad all the time. She really did a number on him," Olivia explained with a frown, remembering how he looked back then. "That's why I'm so glad he has you now. You brought him back to life; you turned everything around."

Butterflies went crazy in Johanna's stomach. She knew Elliot adored her, but she didn't realize how important she was to him. All those times he tried to get close to her, he was only seeking happiness, and she tried many times to push him away. How could she have been so selfish in the past to not want to get close to him in fear of having her heart broken? How could she nearly deny him happiness because of her own egocentric paranoia?

"I'm really glad you told me that," Johanna said softly. "That means a lot to me."

Olivia figured as much, and she told her those things on purpose, wanting her to understand what she meant to him, so that she would cherish him always. Elliot had a kind and genuine soul, and she wanted to make sure it would be taken care of.

"For what it's worth, I'm glad he has you too," Johanna told her. "I can tell how close you two are; you complete each other. And I know you take care of him when I'm not around...I'm glad someone's always there to have his back."

Olivia smiled and nodded, appreciative of her kind words as well.

They had a newfound understanding of each other that day – they were mutually appreciative of the role the other had in Elliot's life, both wanting the best for him and now knowing he certainly had the best.


	22. Chapter 22

Olivia sat on the couch near Elliot's bed, flipping through a magazine she picked up from the gift shop while Johanna sat on the chair on the other side of the bed, writing in her data binder. The machines around the bed still beeped basically nonstop, but Olivia tuned them out a long time ago. She glanced up on occasion to see if Elliot had moved at all, but he hadn't.

It had been five days since the shooting. Elliot spent three days in the induced coma, and it seemed as if he was healing well and on his way to a speedy recovery, so Dr. Reed began to gradually wean him off the barbiturates to bring him out of the coma. He mentioned that it could take anywhere from days to even months for Elliot to wake up; it was up to his body to heal and regain consciousness once the medicine was out of his system. So far, two full days had passed without any change in the patient.

Olivia would've been lying if she had said she didn't feel guilty and responsible for the lack of life on the hospital bed in front of her. She spent most of her time at the hospital, graciously accepting the fact that her captain gave her half of her workdays off. She couldn't sleep well at night, and she knew she wouldn't be able to rest until it was confirmed that her best friend would be fine. She would never be able to live with herself if things didn't go back to normal for everyone when the whole ordeal was over.

Johanna was thankful that Olivia remained at the hospital most of the day, watching over Elliot. Grace kindly took over most of Johanna's clients, but because she had clients of her own, she couldn't cover them all, so Johanna still had to go into work for a few hours each day. She felt better leaving, knowing Olivia was with Elliot while she was gone – not because she suspected anyone would attempt foul play, but because she knew his partner would take care of him the same way she would.

A knock on the door brought the two out of their dazed thoughts.

"Come in!" Johanna called.

The door opened, revealing Munch and Fin.

"Hey guys," Olivia greeted as they walked in.

"Hey Liv," Fin replied then turned to Johanna. "You must be Johanna."

"I am," she replied, closing her binder and standing up.

"I'm Fin, and this is John," he introduced.

"Oh I've heard quite a bit about you two," Johanna teased with a smirk as she shook their hands.

"Don't believe anything Elliot or Olivia told you about me," Munch joked. "They're lying."

Johanna laughed as Olivia rolled her eyes teasingly. Munch and Fin visited Elliot in the hospital at least once a day, but Johanna was usually at work while they were there. She was glad to finally meet them, and they had been looking forward to meeting her as well.

"How's he doing today?" John asked.

"No change so far," Johanna sighed, looking over at Elliot, who looked peaceful in bed.

"He looks like he's getting some color back in his face," Fin commented.

"Yeah, a little," Johanna replied.

"He'll pull around soon," John assured.

"Hey, we've got some good news," Fin said, trying to turn the mood around.

"Yeah?" Olivia responded.

"Bardwell cracked," Fin answered.

"He was losing his mind all alone in that jail cell," John explained. "He flipped out and confessed to everything. Killing his daughter, raping her, and even another child."

"Wow," Olivia's eyes widened.

"Casey said he'll plead insanity," John told her.

"Hey, won't have to convince me," Fin replied. "He's definitely insane."

"No kidding," Olivia scoffed.

It was more than unfortunate that Elliot had to suffer before they got a confession out of Bardwell, but it was a diamond in the rough for them – at least some good came out of the fiasco.

* * *

Johanna was alone with Elliot that night, curled up on the couch where Olivia usually sits. Though she was small, she hardly fit on the uncomfortable makeshift bed. It was fairly unnecessary for her to spend the night with him, but she was afraid he would wake up in the middle of the night, and she didn't want him to be alone.

The door slowly opened, startling Johanna slightly; she wasn't expecting any visitors at 8 o'clock on a weeknight, and the doctors and nurses had finished their rounds for the night.

Johanna sat upright when a young teenage girl, somewhat resembling Elliot, appeared in the doorway looking slightly worried.

"You must be Maureen," Johanna stated.

The girl nodded.

"I'm Johanna," she continued.

"I know," Maureen replied. "My dad told me about you."

"Does your mom know you're here?" Johanna asked.

Maureen shook her head. "I came by myself. I just wanted to see my dad."

"Of course. Come in," Johanna said as she took out her cell phone to text Olivia, asking for Kathy's phone number.

"When's he gonna wake up?" Maureen wondered.

"Any day now, sweetheart," Johanna answered. "I'm gonna step outside so you can spend some time with him."

Maureen nodded and watched as the gorgeous redhead walked out of the room.

Outside the room, Johanna dialed the number that Olivia had sent to her. The phone rang a couple times before an unfamiliar voice answered.

"Hello?"

"Kathy?" Johanna wondered.

"Yes," she responded. "Who's this?"

"This is Johanna...um, Elliot's–"

"Elliot's girlfriend," Kathy interrupted with a sigh. "I know. Is he okay?"

"Yeah, he's fine, everything's fine," Johanna told her. "I just wanted to let you know that Maureen is here. She said you didn't know she was here, and I just didn't want you to worry."

"She's at the hospital?! I thought she was asleep!" Kathy groaned, immediately annoyed that her oldest daughter made her look like a bad mother to her ex-husband's new girlfriend. "I'm coming to get her."

Before Johanna could say another word, Kathy hung up. She sighed, feeling slightly stressed at the thought of having to meet Elliot's ex-wife without him there (conscious, at least) to referee. She didn't necessarily expect to get into a catfight with the woman, but she knew Kathy wasn't the friendliest of people and probably didn't like her, so it would've been much more ideal to have Elliot there and conscious to have her back.

After a few more minutes, she went back into the room to see Maureen standing next to Elliot, holding his hand.

"Don't be mad, but I called your mom," Johanna said as she made her way back over to the couch.

"I figured you would," Maureen replied.

"She's coming to get you. I'm sorry; I didn't want to get you in trouble. I just didn't want her to worry about you," Johanna explained.

"I know, it's okay," Maureen sighed, looking down at her dad. "We got into a fight earlier, and I'm already in trouble, so it doesn't really matter."

Johanna noticed her eyes were identical to Elliot's. She missed seeing his eyes, but adored being able to see them in his daughter.

"I know it's not under good circumstances, but I'm really glad to finally meet you," Johanna said with a smile.

"I'm glad to meet you too," Maureen replied, smiling softly as well. "You're really pretty. My dad said you were, though."

Johanna chuckled slightly. "You're really pretty, too."

"You can marry my dad if you want," Maureen told her bluntly.

"What?" Johanna asked, confused by her bold statement.

"When you guys got back from the beach, I asked my dad if he was going to marry you. He said he wanted to, but he had to make sure we liked you first," Maureen explained. "And I like you; you're really nice, and I know Kathleen and Dickie and Lizzie will like you too. So you can marry him if you want."

Johanna laughed to mask her stunned expressed. Her heart dropped and she felt like she could vomit. She knew the little girl's intentions were good, but she had unknowingly opened a can of worms that scared Johanna half to death.

Before she could press the subject any further, there was a knock on the door.

"Come in!" Johanna called.

It slowly opened and an older blonde woman, who she assumed was Kathy, walked in the room.

"Hi," Johanna greeted as she smiled. "I'm Johanna."

"Kathy," she responded simply with a nod then turned to her daughter. "Maureen, let's go."

Maureen sighed sadly and looked at her dad.

"Hey, how about I call you when he wakes up and you can come see him again?" Johanna suggested in attempt to cheer up the girl.

Kathy rolled her eyes. During the ride to the hospital, she promised herself she would be cordial and kind to Elliot's new girlfriend for the sake of avoiding unnecessary tension, but when she walked in and saw how gorgeous the girl was, she was immediately filled with jealousy. It made her feel inadequate in so many ways.

Maureen smiled then said, "Okay, yeah." She walked over to her mom then turned around and waved slightly to the redhead. "Bye, Johanna."

"Bye, Maureen," Johanna waved back. "It was really nice to meet you. You too, Kathy."

Kathy just forced a smile and then guided her daughter out of the room.

Johanna released a sigh of relief when she was alone again. Meeting Kathy pretty much went as she expected it to – could've been worse and could've been better. But she was glad she met Maureen and that the girl seemed to like her.

The nervous feeling in her stomach went away, and she was surprised at how she felt knowing that Elliot wanted to marry her. Her initial reaction was to feel frightened, but when she thought about it, it really didn't seem that scary after all.


	23. Chapter 23

Around 10PM on the seventh night of Elliot's hospital stay, Olivia and Johanna sat together on the couch, laughing and drinking coffee together. They had gotten to know each other well in the previous week, for which they were thankful, and were starting to really enjoy spending time together. They were sharing stories with one another – some of Elliot, some of their childhoods, and some of their jobs. And they were totally oblivious to the subtle movement on the bed in front of them.

Awareness slowly crept back into Elliot's mind. His senses came back to him in a gradual, slow progression. First taste, a gross and dry flavor in his mouth. Then smell, a clean and sterile cold aroma in his nostrils. Then feeling, a tingling sensation throughout his body, warm in some areas and cold in others. Then hearing, laughter, beeping, talking.

His eyes slowly fluttered open, bringing forth his fifth and final sense. Brightness shocked his sheltered pupils, causing him to shut his eyes quickly. When he was able to open them again, he followed the sound of laughter and leaned his head to the side to see his beautiful Johanna with a smile spread across her face, laughing, and Olivia next to her with a similar smile.

They were in their own little world, oblivious to the event they had been awaiting for the past week, until they heard Elliot's raspy voice.

"My girls," he croaked out, dryly.

Johanna and Olivia whipped their heads to the side to see Elliot smiling lovingly at them.

"Stabler," Johanna greeted softly, smiling even wider than before.

"Hey, El," Olivia added, smiling as well.

"Water," he requested, feeling absolutely no moisture in his mouth or throat.

Johanna jumped up and quickly poured him a small cup of water then handed it to him. He downed it slowly, feeling so refreshed by the rehydration.

"I'm gonna go tell the nurse you're awake," Olivia stated as she stood up, wanting to give them some privacy and needing to tell a nurse so Elliot could be examined.

Johanna nodded, smiling at her with appreciation, as she watched her walk out of the room then turned back to Elliot.

"I feel like I was a hit by a train," he groaned. "What happened?"

"You don't remember?" Johanna asked, hoping he wasn't going to suffer any memory loss. "You were shot protecting Olivia. Some guy named Bardwell shot up the precinct, aiming for her. You were covering her and he shot you in the back."

Vaguely, the event came back to Elliot, but it felt more like the idea of the event, not like a memory he experienced. It was all hazy and blurry in his mind.

"Liv's okay?" He wondered, although she seemed okay a few moments earlier.

"Yeah." Johanna smiled and nodded, running her hand through Elliot's hair. "Not a scratch on her, thanks to you."

"How long was I out?" He questioned.

"A week," she told him, feeling her heart well up with the emotions that she had been ignoring for a few days, which sent a couple tears to edge of her eyes.

"Don't cry," he cooed as he slowly grabbed her hand and brought it to his dry lips, kissing it softly, which made a few of her tears fall. "Why're you crying?"

"I missed you," she said. "A week is a long time to be with you."

"Does that mean you don't want to be without me?" He wondered, smirking. "Ever?"

Johanna laughed at his typical teasing, ready to tell him how she felt. She leaned forward and kissed Elliot on his cheekbone then answered, "That's exactly what that means. I don't ever want to have to live a life without you."

A smile so wide spread across Elliot's face. He was elated to hear her say that, to know she finally felt the way he had been feeling for a while.

"Give me a kiss," he instructed her.

Again, she leaned forward then kissed him on the lips softly, smiling. She, too, was elated – just by the sheer fact that Elliot seemed fine and that things would go back to normal.

He wanted to tell her he loved her, even though he still wasn't sure if she'd say it back yet, but it didn't feel like the right time. He wanted to tell her when he could say it and make love to her after, when he could move freely on his own to grab her face and kiss her hard and passionately. It just wasn't right yet.

"Did I miss anything good while I was out?" He asked.

"Well, I met Kathy," she answered with a laugh as her tears dried up.

Elliot's eyes widened. Though unsure of the reasoning behind it, he knew it was probably a stressful thing for her to experience alone, so he said, "I am so sorry."

Johanna laughed a little more. "No, it's okay. Maureen snuck out and came to the hospital to see you a few nights ago. I met her too – she's a doll, El. Anyway, she said Kathy didn't know she was here, so I got her number from Olivia and called her so she wouldn't worry, and she came here to pick Maureen up."

Elliot shook his head in disbelief at his daughter. "That girl. Was Kathy awful to you?"

"Not really." She shook her head in response. "She didn't really say anything to me, but it could've been worse."

He frowned a little. "You're a trooper."

She just smiled at him sweetly, realizing how much she really did miss his smile and their talks, and promising herself that she would never take him for granted again.

"You have the most beautiful smile I've ever seen," Elliot told her, grabbing her hand and squeezing it gently.

Before either of them could say another word, Dr. Reed walked through the door, interrupting their intimate moment.

* * *

Johanna walked into Elliot's hospital room the next afternoon, surprised to see him sitting up on the edge of the bed, wearing his own sweatpants and t-shirt instead of the hideous and uncomfortable hospital gown that seemed as if it was made more of paper than of cotton.

"Look at you sitting up!" Johanna exclaimed, happy to see him moving at least a little.

"Yeah, I learned a few new tricks today," he joked at her overreaction. "Watch this." He raised his eyebrows as he stood up straight then held out his hands as if he were saying 'ta-da'.

"Wow," she replied with a smirk, which he loved so greatly. "You've got all kinds of tricks up your sleeve."

"I've got one more," he told her. "Wanna see?"

She nodded in response.

He reached forward, grabbing her by her waist, then pulled her body to his and pressed his lips onto hers firmly. She immediately reached forward and placed a hand on either side of his face, kissing him back, as he held her close to his body by her waist with one hand. He brought his other hand up to her face and cupped her cheek gently.

She sighed into his lips, so thankful to be able to kiss him like that again.

When he broke away from her lips, he pressed his forehead to hers with a smile then told her, "Dr. Reed said I'll probably be cleared to go home tomorrow. I won't be cleared to go back to work for a while though."

"When will you be cleared to do, um...physical activity?" She smirked.

Elliot moved his forehead off of hers and raised his eyebrows suggestively. "I'll make sure to ask, you little freak."

Johanna giggled then kissed his nose cutely. She was so glad things would soon be going back to normal.


	24. Chapter 24

**Author's Note: Just a heads up - the next chapter, Chapter 25, will be the last in this story! However I am working on a new Elliot story! So check my profile for updates! Enjoy! &***

* * *

"How's Elliot doing?" Grace asked as she sat next to Johanna at a table in Battery Park around noon the next day, eating lunch on their break from work.

"He's doing better," Johanna answered, watching as people passed by. "He was discharged this morning."

Elliot had gone home from the hospital that morning with the help of Olivia, and Johanna was eager to get through her workday so she could rush to his house to see him. She couldn't wait to just hug him and kiss him as much as she wanted, without the risk of being interrupted by a doctor or a nurse.

"Oh, that's great," Grace replied, taking a bite of her salad. "I know you're happy he's home now."

"Yeah," Johanna sighed in agreement. "Very."

And she was. She was so thankful that his life had been spared – that she had more time with him. She would never take that for granted again.

She smiled when she saw an elderly couple walk past her holding hands. They sat at a table across from her and Grace, and she watched as they ate lunch together. They weren't talking much, but neither seemed to mind. They were just enjoying each other's company. And she figured they probably ran out of things to talk about a long time ago.

The old man smiled at his wife sweetly as he offered her a bite of his food. Johanna couldn't help but smile at the interaction between them.

"Isn't that adorable?" Grace rhetorically asked, watching the couple as well.

Johanna wondered if that would be her and Elliot one day. No, deep down, she_ knew_ that would be her and Elliot one day. She had a flash of their future, but they wouldn't be eating lunch in Battery Park. No, they would be sitting on the beach in Florida, feeding the birds and soaking up the sun. It made her so happy to think of that impending moment in their lives, she almost couldn't wait. Her heart welled up with emotion at the thought.

She was happy, but she felt sick when she realized that if she wanted that future on the beach with Elliot, she had something important to tell him.

Her face fell, and she stopped eating.

"What's wrong?" Grace asked, noticing her friend's sudden change in state.

Johanna shook her head. "I have to go talk to Elliot."

"Now?" Grace asked.

Johanna nodded as she suddenly stood up, threw her lunch away in a nearby trashcan.

"What about work?" Grace wondered.

"I have no more clients for the day, so just cover for me," Johanna replied as she darted off toward the subway. "Thank you! I owe you!" She called back toward her friend, who sat dumbfounded at the table.

Johanna's feet shuffled against the dirty New York sidewalk as she made her way through dozens of people walking by. She was reeling with nerves, nauseous and out of breath. She stumbled on occasion, not paying attention to her surroundings, and she bumped into people without apologizing and without even really noticing.

It was as if she was a completely different person suddenly. And truth be told, she almost did feel like an entirely different person. She was hit with the unexpected realization that what she was about to confront Elliot with would change their relationship dramatically.

Her heart was beating out of her chest as she hurried down the subway steps. She swiped her MetroCard just as the train was pulling up to load and unload passengers, and she quickly jumped on. The train bumped back and forth down the tracks as it headed toward Queens.

She prayed she wouldn't vomit in front of everyone on the subway, but she felt as if she might. She had been harboring a secret that she was about to expose. A secret that would change her life, Elliot's life, and their life together. And she couldn't just take it lightly or treat it as if it were no big deal.

She was shaking as she exited the train, hurrying past blocks and turns until she arrived on the intended street. She glanced ahead in her path to see Elliot's house.

Her legs felt like Jell-O as she quickly scurried toward his house. She waltzed up the steps of his house, took a deep breath, and held up her fist to knock on his door.

But suddenly she froze. She couldn't do it.

She backed away from the door and started pacing back and forth across his porch, mumbling to herself.

"You can do this," she muttered. "Come on, Johanna, get it together. He deserves to know the truth. You have to tell him."

But she couldn't do it. She was too scared.

She nearly jumped out of her pants when Elliot's front door opened, causing her to stop dead in her tracks as he stood in the doorway wearing only sweatpants. His bare torso was only adorned by medical dressing that covered his surgical and gunshot wounds. It made her knees weaker than they already were

"Jo? Did you knock or ring the doorbell?" He asked, confused.

Johanna shook her head furiously as she bent forward, resting her palms on her knees to steady herself. She was breathing heavily, nearly heaving.

"Babe? Are you okay?" He questioned, growing more confused by the second.

She nodded her head in response, still unable to breathe.

"What are you doing out here?" He wondered.

Suddenly, she stood up and grabbed his face kissing him deeply and passionately. Elliot could hardly react; he was so stunned and still so terribly confused.

She broke away, staring deep into his eyes.

"I love you," Johanna blurted. "I love you, Elliot."


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N: Well, this is it! The last chapter! Just want to say thank you to EVERYONE who read and reviewed this story! Especially busybeesknees19, Stabson, Skyscraper77, and Tiffany, who reviewed numerous times! I appreciate everyone's input so much! **

**I loved this story and these characters, but I am currently working on a new Elliot story, quite different from this one, and I will be posting info about it on my profile, so check the bio area regularly for updates!**

**Enjoy! &***

* * *

"I love you," Johanna blurted. "I love you, Elliot."

Elliot froze, stunned, unable to even process what was going on in front of him at that moment. He could barely even breathe.

When he didn't respond, Johanna began to panic, wondering if she had done something awful.

"I just...I'm sorry if that's too much," she began to ramble, trying to undo the horrible thing she had done to make Elliot so speechless. "And I'm sorry if it's too soon to say it, but I do. I love you, Elliot. I'm in love with you. And I've known it for a while, but couldn't ever admit it to myself. But I saw this old couple sitting in Battery Park earlier, and it made me think of us sitting on the beach as an old couple, and I realized that if I ever wanted that to happen, I had to let you in, fully and completely. And then I realized that I already had – I already had let you in, I just didn't realize it. So I thought that maybe you didn't realize it either. So I had to tell you. You needed to know. You needed to know the truth."

Elliot just stared at her, still shocked. He couldn't tell if he was dreaming or if it was real life, but all he could see was the beautiful fidgety girl in front of him.

"Say something, please," she pleaded with a pained look on her face.

Just as she had done moments before, Elliot grabbed her by her face and kissed her lips fervently. He felt like he couldn't kiss her hard enough. He wanted to take her, right then and there on his porch, and make love to her.

He pulled away from her, breathing hard. He kept her face in his hands and his face close to hers as he asked with a laugh, "Is that what you were hyperventilating over? Telling me you love me?"

She nodded, still wondering if she made the right choice to tell him.

"God, you're so cute." He chuckled again. "I love you, too, Johanna."

"You do?" She asked, feeling a wave of relief wash over, relaxing every tense muscle in her body.

"I do." He nodded, placing another kiss on her lips. "I am madly in love with you."

She pushed her lips forward, crashing them against his and pushing him backwards into his house. She kicked the door shut behind her as his hands traveled under her shirt and rested on the warm skin of her back. The feeling of his fingertips against her skin sent chills up her spine.

They shed their clothes as they blindly stumbled to Elliot's bedroom, attached at the lips. He gently laid Johanna down on her back, hovering over her, kissing her sweetly, allowing time for him to grow hard and her wet. His lips traveled from her mouth to her neck to her collarbone, flicking his tongue on the sweet spot in the crook of her collarbone.

Using his knees, he opened her legs and placed himself between them. With his hand, he guided his throbbing head to her entrance. He was so ready to take her; he couldn't even be bothered with foreplay.

"Are you okay to do this?" Johanna asked, breaking out of their kiss. "I don't want you to overdo it or open up your incisions."

"I'm fine; I don't care." He shook his head. "I need this; I need you."

She nodded, and he slowly pushed himself inside of her. The feeling of her warm and wet around him made his legs weak. She shut her eyes in ecstasy, remembering how much she missed the feeling of when he first entered her.

Elliot gradually pulled out of her then thrust back in, trying to maintain a slow and steady pace, but all he wanted to do was make her scream.

Johanna lifted her hips, rocking them back and forth to meet Elliot's hips with force. He loved how she didn't just lay there and make him do all the work. He could tell she was really into it, really enjoying it, and that drove him wild.

He looked down, watching their hips meet and his dick disappear inside of her as he thrust harder into her. A low growl escaped from deep within his throat as the sight nearly sent him over the edge.

His thick head hit the sensitive spot inside Johanna's warmth repeatedly as he continued to buck his hips, building up an overwhelming sensation between her legs, causing a soft moan to escape her lips.

They had made love numerous times before, but something about that time was different. It was real, vulnerable, raw love. And for the rest of the afternoon, and a few other times throughout the rest of the evening and night, they made love like that, immersed in each other's bodies, consummating their relationship, and relishing the admittance of their true feelings for one another.

* * *

**One Year Later**

The sun rose outside the large window, painting a stunning picture behind the ocean and sand as it brought light into the dim room of the beachfront condo that Elliot bought for he and Johanna. He surprised her with it at the start of their spur-of-the-moment vacation – something he had actually planned for months in advanced.

She laid next to him on her side, awake as he continued to sleep on his stomach, watching his steady breathing, infatuated with his existence. With her left hand, she lightly traced the scars on his back from his injury a year ago as she looked at her newly decorated finger, remembering how Elliot's shooting changed her life in multiple ways.

She had been so scared to admit her true feelings for him, the fact that she was in love and wanted him to be a part of her life forever. But when the flood of emotions hit her like a ton of bricks, she couldn't deny it or ignore it any longer.

They laugh now when they reminisce on the panic attack she had when she tried to tell him she loved him, and they laugh at how she managed to find the courage to tell him before he told her. But it was a mutual understanding; both had been through a lot of hell in the past when it came to relationships.

But once it was out in the open, there was no turning back. They were stuck together like glue for the rest of their lives from that point on.

A deep sigh escaped Elliot's lips as he awakened. He picked up his head and looked over his shoulder, smiling wide when his eyes landed on the redhead. It was the sight he loved to see first thing in the morning.

"Morning," he sighed sleepily.

"Good morning," Johanna greeted back sweetly with a smile.

He turned over onto his back then kissed her on the cheek. She snuggled into him, laying her head on his chest then kissing his warm skin softly. He wrapped his arms around her, as she traced the scars on his chest, identical to the ones on his back.

He grabbed her hand from his chest and kissed the back of her hand lovingly then eyed her fingers.

"Look at that rock," Elliot stated proudly.

"I can't stop staring at it," she sighed as she held her hand up, admiring the way the light glistened off of the diamond ring on her finger. "It's perfect."

The memories of last night quickly leapt back into her mind as she remembered the gorgeous beach at sunset, the walk they took together on the sand, and how Elliot got down on one knee where the waves crashed onto the shore and asked her to marry him.

Typically, the idea of an engagement would've sent Johanna running for the hills. But not this time. This time, she was thrilled. She couldn't say 'yes' fast enough due to the stream of tears running down her face.

She thought the entire trip was so he could surprise her with the gift of the condo he brought for them. So she was swept completely off her feet and taken completely by surprise when he proposed as well.

It was the perfect start to the rest of their perfect life. And just like that, they were locked together forever.


End file.
